Posted in Surrender

Complete and Total Surrender

Surrendering is a topic I have written about before as it is the invitation that shows up over and over and over and over in our journey toward the Soul. Whether we are asked to surrender, let go, or we find ourselves in a free-fall, SURRENDER is a persistent theme.  This is natural considering that we have been conditioned to believe (and many new age and new thought circles enforce these beliefs) that the circumstances of our lives are somehow in our control.  You know the routine – think the right thoughts and you will get what you want, working hard leads to reward, no pain no gain, it is by your efforts that you will be rewarded, your value is dependent upon how hard you work and what you accomplish, yada yada yada.  The stream of conditioned thoughts are endless.  Throw in our religious conditioning including the misperception of “faith” (believe you will be healed and you will); and the immigrant work ethic and we have a one mell of a hess!

The truth is, very little of what happens in our lives is within our realm of control. (GASP!).  We are told that we have free will, but do we really?  This is a question I have explored with many of my clients, students and colleagues.  It seems that the closer we get to our Soul, the less we are allowed free will.  In short, no matter how hard we work, no matter how strongly we believe (or think we believe) no matter how much we strive toward what we think is our Soul’s calling, our Soul’s purpose, our Soul’s mission…..if it is not our Soul’s calling, it will fail.  (and sometimes when it is our Soul’s calling it still fails because it is what the Soul intended). And we can know that it is not our Soul’s calling when in spite of all our efforting, belief, “faith,” wishing hoping and dreaming, all we come up with is a bloody forehead from beating our head against the wall.

The Divine path is easy. The effort comes when we are allowing the ego to drive instead of our Soul.  The Soul says, “Let Go!  I got this.”  The ego pleads, “BUT I NEED TO BE IN CONTROL.  I need to know what is happening, why it is happening and how.  I need to be able to decide, to choose, to see the road ahead and what will happen as the path unfolds so I can make plans.”  The Soul says, “Um….no, you don’t.  If you saw where I am leading you, you would freak the f-out and say NO!  You don’t need to know and you don’t get to know and while you are busy making plans, I am unraveling them for you.” God is kind of an asshole that way – but only because the Divine plan is better than what we could ever imagine, hope or dream of – but NOT from the limited perception of the ego – only from the infinite and expansive wisdom of the Soul. In this the Soul can see the good in suffering, sorrow, betrayal, loss and pain. Even death – especially death – serves the greatest and highest purpose….but to all of this the ego says NO!

Surrender is such a frequent theme because of the ministrations of the ego. The ego wants to be in control and believes that being in control, it is keeping us safe.  But at the end of the day, are we ever really safe?  Death, as we know, can come at any minute.  We can be taking our favorite route to the yoga studio and get hit by a semi.  We can be eating all the right foods and thinking all the right thoughts and still get struck down by cancer.  We can be enjoying a friendly game of soccer one day and find ourselves in the ICU hooked up to life support the very next day.  Life (shit) happens and we have NO CONTROL over it.  If it is the intended path of our Soul it will happen no matter what we do to try to “make it happen” or avoid it.

This is perhaps the toughest pill to swallow in our human journey. We are not in control.  The Soul will do what the Soul came here to do.  Period.  Jesus proved this.  Jesus came here to be and show love.  He came here to show us all how to find peace (the kingdom of God) within.  He healed the sick.  He gave sight to the blind.  He counseled the hurting.  He nourished and fed the spiritually hungry.  And then he got killed for it.  Jesus did everything right.  He listened to the calling of his Soul.  He did what his Soul asked of him.  He was “obedient unto death.”  And then he died – a slow and painful death on a cross.  And there was NOTHING he could do to stop it – because it was the path his Soul intended.  And at the end of it all, Jesus did what we are all invited to do.  He surrendered it all unto his Soul, “Into your hands I commend my spirit.”  The very same path his mother traveled before him, “Let it be done to me according to your word.”

Complete and total surrender is what the Soul asks of us. To meet each moment of every day with the understanding that what is showing up to meet us is EXACTLY what our Soul has intended for us to experience in this life.  We are not to know the whys or the hows, but to simply surrender.  This is especially true when we don’t really like what is coming for us – illness, poverty, suffering, pain, disappointment, (perceived) failure, etc.  We need to LET IT GO.  And when we are human (which we will always be), and we find ourselves struggling and all our efforts seem to be in vain, the invitation is there again – complete and total surrender as the Soul reminds us, “Let go.  I got this!”  And then, we let Her!

 

Posted in detachment, Inspiration, Surrender

Wiping the Slate Clean

I have spent the past two weekends in DEEP CLEARING mode. Doing my year-end bookkeeping, deep cleaning my home, and yesterday I spent all day gathering and completing paperwork for a process that will free me from something that has held me prisoner for the past 7 (or s0) years.  It is time to be FREED from the past to make way for the new.  Beyond the material, this has also been a time of deep inner clearing – facing, identifying and healing wounds from the past, letting go of attachments to certain ideas, plans, fixations, etc. and listening deeply for what might still be cluttering my ego and which is yearning to be freed.  All of this has been for the purpose of making room for the new to step in.  As I have been diligently tending to the process of wiping the slate clean, I am finding the new peeking out from around the corner waiting to be seen.  I see you and I welcome you!

Wiping the slate clean is a process we are all invited into from time to time. When what has been is proving to be no longer life-giving, it is time to let it go.  When things from our past have become a burden or an obstacle to our forward movement, it is time to let them go!  When we are clinging to old hurts, betrayals, wounds, etc. we cannot move forward until we let them go.  The same is true of our ego attachments – attachments to fame, money, power, etc.  In order to fulfill the Divine plan for ourselves (our Soul’s plan), we first have to be cleared of anything and everything that is not in harmony with that plan.  It is time to wipe the slate clean.

But wiping the slate clean isn’t always easy. We have become comfortable and familiar with what has been.  Comfort, however, does not equal freedom.  And our Soul demands freedom!  Sometimes what our culture tells we “must do to be successful” is not in harmony with our Soul’s path so we must let that go, while facing the sure judgment of those who cling to the culture’s definition of success and how to get there.  Going against the flock is never easy – and yet in the path of the Soul it is almost always necessary!

Let me give you an example of this from my own journey. For years I’ve been told that I need to “be famous,” “be on Oprah,” or at the very least on Ellen.  In order to be successful, I need to take my show on the road – get out there and do all those big workshops famous people do (you know the ones you pay thousands of dollars to attend and then the only one getting paid is the promoter?).  I’ve had people promise to “make me famous” and that the key to my success will be travel.  Well, here’s the deal folks……after a bizarre virus in 2015, I cannot travel.  I cannot drive for more than an hour (sometimes 90 minutes) without becoming very ill.  It then takes several hours – sometimes days for my inner equilibrium to return. It isn’t car sickness.  It isn’t panic attacks.  No one seems to know what it is and even after 18 months of physical therapy for “vertigo” the symptoms are still the same.  There is no long distance driving travel in Lauri Lumby’s future.  But beyond this limitation that can certainly be worked around (hire a driver, fly, etc.) what my Soul has said to me VERY LOUDLY and quite succinctly is “BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED,” while showing me all the people right here in good ole Oshkosh, Wisconsin who are in need of my gifts.  And it’s time. It’s time to stop hiding in my home and get out into the community sharing my magic.  (something I am already doing on a daily basis informally….but now it’s time to do it more formally).

Wiping the slate clean requires that we diligently tend to all those things that are currently in the way of us pursuing and fulfilling the path of our Soul. As we recently explored in my Order of Melchizedek course, the plan our Soul has for us is far beyond what we could ever imagine for ourselves:

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Posted in Surrender

When All Else Fails…..Ask for Help!

In our quest to be rational, independent, self-sufficient human beings, there is one thing we continue to forget:

WE ARE NOT ALONE!

We are not alone. And, we cannot do it alone.  When we believe otherwise, we are suffering from the compulsion of pride.  Forgetting the central truth of the human experience – we allow ourselves to suffer alone.  Most specifically, we forget that we have a Divine Parent we can turn to for help; and for those of us who call Jesus our teacher and our guide, we can always turn to Christ; and if we are of a Catholic disposition, Mother Mary and the Saints provide additional support.

We are not alone. And yet we continually struggle in remembering this truth. We think we can do it ourselves.  We believe we have to do it ourselves….and our culture supports this false believe.  We are conditioned to believe we are responsible for our lives and our livelihood.  If we are suffering it is our fault.  If we are poor it is because we haven’t worked hard enough.  If we are ill, it is a punishment from God or karma.  Everywhere we turn we are told to do it ourselves, don’t ask for help, be self-sufficient, “you are the creator of your life.”

To that final comment: No, we are not!  Contrary to all “New Age” beliefs, we are not the creator of our lives.  God is.  More specifically, our life is an unfolding of God expressing God’s self in and through us.  It is a co-creation….NOT a “ME” creation. Our life is a partnership with the Divine and when we remember this truth, life simply unfolds and all that is happening is Grace…even if what is happening is difficult. The “difficult” is there for the purpose of our learning and inner growth and through this learning we come to know more about ourselves and in coming to know ourselves we come to know God.

But there are those days….those days when we feel as if we have handled all we can handle, done all that we can do, faced all the demons we could face, fought all the battles we could fight. There are those days we have done everything we can think of to make it through the challenge before us (these days never happen when things are flowing in a positive direction).  We have named our demons and worked on healing them.  We have identified our triggers and worked on releasing their source.  We have chanted, prayed, meditated on scripture, and spoken in tongues, and still the challenge remains…or rather, our unrest related to the challenge.

This is when we are invited to remember….

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Posted in Authentic Freedom, Death, grief, Inspiration, Lessons, Spiritual Practices, Surrender

Big Endings Lead to Big Beginnings

 

Every day as part of my morning ritual, I pull one card from my Gnostic Tarot of the Saints deck (Robert M. Place 2001). For the past three mornings, I have pulled the Death card.  While the appearance of this card might strike fear in the hearts of many, I find the Death card to be a huge source of comfort.  Maybe it is due to my gifts as a shadow worker – a master in confronting and dealing with the parts of the human experience from which most would run.  More likely, it is because I understand that death is not death at all…it is simply the boundary between that which has (and likely needs to) come to an end and that which is waiting to be born.  As resurrection after death is the promise of Christian belief, so is it the promise of the tarot – in every death is the promise of new life – we need simply be open to receiving it.  Pulling the death card on three consecutive days suggests that the death one has just faced, or is currently facing is a HUGE one.  It also suggests that the new that is coming into being is equally as huge.

This must certainly be the case for me. As I have mentioned many times over, the past three years have been a DOOZIE!  Letting go.  Releasing.  Surrendering.  Letting go some more.  Complete surrender and supplication.  Many times in the past three years I have uttered the prayer, “WTF????!!!!”  My recent move has invited a HUGE release including many aspects of my work about which I had become comfortable.  Our new place is AMAZING and feels so much more like home and perfectly reflective of my vibe….and yet I find myself in the time between what has ended and what has not yet begun.  It is an insecure and uncertain time.  If the BIG MOVE and the BIG LETTING GO wasn’t enough, I recently went through an experience of something that seemed to be the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, only to have it turn to dust in my hands.  This brought forth an ending I had never anticipated along with a grief proportionate to that ending.

With all of this, it is no surprise that the Death card should appear. Again, while the appearance of this card might strike fear in the hearts of many, I am finding profound comfort in the presence of Death.  Death is saying to me, “Lauri, what no longer serves has come to an end.  You have surrendered these unto Me and now you are free of them.  Completely free.  You will no longer be burdened by those things that no longer serve your highest good and which no longer support the mission you are called to fulfill.”  As Death so lovingly stated, I feel completely free of these things and utterly at peace.

This is not all that Death has to say, however. “Lauri, now is the time for rest. As Jesus rested in the tomb for three days and three nights, so too are you invited to rest.  Be with what has been and allow yourself to be healed and transformed from what in the past may have harmed you.  As a caterpillar in the chrysalis, allow yourself to be made new.  As it was true for Christ, as is true for the caterpillar, the new can only be made in the depths of the darkness.  The new is not of your making and requires no effort on your part as like the caterpillar, it is a work that arises out of the depths of your Soul, coming forth from your own Divine blueprint.  In this you need do nothing.  Simply be.  Wait.  Be patient.  Trust.  When it is time to come forth out of your tomb, you will know it and you will come forth into a whole new world, the likes of which you cannot even imagine.”

To this I say, “Thank you Death. I welcome you with open arms and surrender into promise of new life.”

Big endings lead to even bigger beginnings…and to this I say, “Bring it!”

 

 

 

Posted in Authentic Freedom, detachment, grief, Inspiration, Surrender

Saying Goodbye

A week ago Tuesday, I awoke to the voice of (I’m not sure who – Spirit, The Mother, God, My Higher Self) speaking these words to me:

Say Goodbye.

How appropriate these words are as I face the end of an era. The life as I have known it has drawn to a close and all that defined that life has come to an end.  Or rather, the purpose of that era has drawn to a close.  I am tempted to point to church stuff, changing the world, Mary Magdalene, etc. as being the purpose of the past nearly 20 years, but in truth, the deeper purpose seems to have been for one thing and one thing only –

My own healing.

While the externals that gave expression to the past 20 years has been about God, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Church stuff, wanting to heal and change the world, creating a space in which people can find support in their own spiritual exploration and journey toward self-actualization……at the core of all of it has been my own healing. Every book I have written, every course that I have created came first out of my own personal experience of being open to the Universe giving me what I needed to find healing and in receiving this healing, discovering MYSELF. I then took what I found to be supportive and formed it into a structure that could be shared with others for the sake of their own journey of healing from their past so as to discover themselves. Looking at the lives of those I’ve supported, I have to say I think I’ve done a pretty good job (PS I’m pretty sure this piece is NOT coming to an end).

As this era comes to a close and is ritualized by a literal physical move (from the home we have enjoyed for the past 6 ½ years), I’m letting it all go. I’ve grieved through this transition.  I’ve said goodbye to cherished objects, personal labels, dreams of riches and fame, attachments to outcomes and even the hope of a specific kind of love and the dream of a regular life with a regular job.  I’ve grieved the loss of the home we have loved and in which not only myself, but my children have found healing.  I’ve grieved the loss of a routine that I’ve known.  And most importantly, I’ve grieved the loss of the familiar life in which I’ve lived which has been defined mostly by isolation, illness, depression, poverty and loss (bahbye!).

I do not know what is waiting for me on the other side of this transition, but I am grateful for what has been and open to the opportunities that will present themselves in this letting go. I figure if the Universe is inviting me into this depth of emptying, something ENORMOUS must be coming to fill its place.

To whatever that is I say “Hello.”

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in detachment, Surrender

God Doesn’t Care – So Why Do We?

A quick heads up: This blog may trigger you in the area of your attachments.  Please be patient and read through to the end….I promise there’s a happy ending! 

Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing

there is a field…

I’ll meet you there.

– Rumi

Detachment is perhaps one of the greatest skills we can develop in our journey toward wholeness and peace. As Jesus is quoted as saying in Paul Ferrini’s book, I am the Door, “judgment is the original sin.” It is our judgment of things that is the cause of our suffering.  Jesus says the same about judgment in scripture, “Judge not lest ye be judged.”  When we judge experiences, situations, things, ourselves or other people as good or bad, we create separation which then causes suffering.  Instead, we are invited to gaze upon our human experiences from the position of objective observer, trading our judgment for curiosity and wonder, and our tendency to separate for union. When we judge we separate.  When we cease from judging we join.

Jesus taught us that Oneness is our Source and our origin. After coming to understand and then embody this Oneness within himself, Jesus then set out to teach this to others.  Oneness within himself.  Oneness with others.  Oneness with all of creation.  Oneness with that which he called God.  Oneness, as Jesus explained, can only be known when we pierce through the veil of perceived separation – setting down our tendency to judge, setting down our tendency to separate, even setting down our desire to care.

Caring can only arise out of judgment, which then leads us down the path of suffering. Caring arises when we judge something as good or bad (usually bad).  Caring then causes us to take up our sword in response to that which we have decided we have to fix, heal, change, or defend ourselves against.  (I am especially guilty of this in my former attempts to reform or change the Catholic Church or in my many attempts at keeping myself safe from a broken heart).  Profound freedom arises when we are able to cease from caring and simply let things be.

This is what God does. God does not care.  In “His/Her” great love, God gave us the radically liberating gift of free will.  In this, we are free to be and act and think and believe anything we want – and God doesn’t care.  God doesn’t judge our thoughts, our actions, or our beliefs as good or bad.  God simply watches in curious wonder – joining (loving) us through whatever choices we make.  By natural law, we experience the consequences of our choices, but these consequences do not come from God.  Instead, in the mind and heart of God, we are loved without condition.  No matter what we do or how we act, we are loved.  God might find it interesting that we would choose fear over love, judgment over acceptance, suffering over peace, but God doesn’t care.  God does not seek to change or alter who we are or what we choose.  Instead, God allows us the freedom to learn it for ourselves.  The same is true of the actions of our world.  God doesn’t care.  God stands back in curious wonder over the choices human beings make and the consequences we create for ourselves out of these choices.  But still, God doesn’t care.  God does not seek to change or alter our choices; allowing us the radical freedom of learning (or not learning) for ourselves.

Jesus told a story which reveals God’s unconditional love and the powerful gift of free will that arose out of this love. This story has come to be known as the Story of the Prodigal Son. In this story, a father (playing the role of God) has two sons.  The youngest son asks for his share of his inheritance early so that he can leave the perceived safety and security of his father’s home to go out into the world and find his own way.  Loving the son freely and without condition, the father agrees, knowing that the son’s choices may lead him down an uncomfortable path, but allowing him the freedom to risk failure so that he might learn and grow (or not).  The son chooses all sorts of experiences that might be thought of as opposite what his father might wish for him and he suffers the consequences of his choices.  He eventually learns that it is in separating from his father (God) that his choices caused him suffering, so he (humbled and exhausted) chooses to go home, hoping his father might forgive him and allow him back into union with him.  Not only does the father welcome him back, not once does he inflict judgment, reproach, criticism or condemnation on his son.  He accepts him with nothing but love.  When the son asks for forgiveness, it is the son who needs to forgive himself from choosing separation over union.  In the father’s eyes, there is nothing to forgive.  Even if the son had continued to choose separation, it seems the father would still love him, waiting for the day that life would beat him down enough that he might, just might, risk the peace of union over the suffering of separation.

Jesus told this story to explain to his disciples what God is like. God does not care.  If God doesn’t care, than why do we?  (Stay tuned next week for an invitation to caring that is free from judgment, perceived separation and suffering.)

 

 

 

Posted in Inspiration, Lessons, Surrender

What Do You Do When Your Universe is Collapsing?

The universe as I have known it is collapsing. Everything around me that has defined my life; that has been the container for my life; that has been the vehicle for my life and provided structure, routine, and even a livelihood is falling away. This is a process that began in 2015 and continues. I have come to call 2015 the year of “letting go.”  2016 was the year of emptying.  And 2017…..I am calling the year of WTF?!  I’m at the place in this journey of my universe collapsing of knowing only one thing:

I am moving (hopefully) on September 1 into a new home.

After that….I know nothing.

In the emptying, I have been instructed to let it all go and not worry about the rest. I have also been told that if THIS MUCH emptying is required, that there must be something HUGE waiting to take its place.  I just don’t get to know what that “something huge” might be.  I’ve been given a few glimpses, but I’ve also been instructed not to get attached to any of what “might” be part of my new universe.  My Soul has been singing “Let it Go!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

while my heart is trying to ease my anxious mind. (JUST as I completed this sentence, two hummingbirds flew past my window!  Hummingbird magic delivers the impossible in magical and miraculous ways!!!!!)  In this moment my life is a completely empty slate.  No clients.  No classes.  No business activity to pursue to fill my empty time. No books to write or edit.  More importantly, no inspiration or motivation to write.  Nothing.  Nadda.  Zilch.  Only an opportunity to continue emptying in preparation for a move and for what I do not know.

Image Credit: pixabay.com

So what does one do when their universe is collapsing and the new universe has not yet come into being?

NOTHING.

Nothing.

Nothing.

We sit in the void of emptiness. We allow ourselves to FEEL the discomfort of the emptiness.  We enter into the anxiety of not knowing.  We surrender to not knowing.  We refrain from looking at or striving after material things (ie $$$$$).  We allow ourselves to simply be – knowing that the wheel of life is turning and that the Universe (aka God) has something amazing in store that we could not possibly image for ourselves.  We wait.  And we find comfort in the fact that on the other side of every death is the promise of new life.

Posted in About Lauri, Being Human, God, introverts, Mystics, Oneness with God, Ponderings, Relationships, Spiritual Direction, Surrender

Only God

a personal reflection by Lauri Ann Lumby

This morning’s blog is coming from a deeply personal place and arising out of a place of fragmented vulnerability….so apologies ahead of time for momentary incoherence. 😉

image credit: www.checorreaphotography.com

2017 has been quite an interesting year so far. The most exciting things have been my soul-discovering trip to Ireland and the “new” things that are beginning to be birthed in my world including a promising business partnership and a burgeoning Magdalene Priestess Training program!

Playing a much more central role in 2017, however, has been the ever deepening and every widening journey of LETTING GO! It seems everywhere I turn I am being invited to let go of that which I used to turn to as a source of familiarity, routine, surety, security and support.  It seems I can’t take a single step without being confronted with something asking for release.  This release has included the need to redefine relationships (the nature of, my expectations or hopes around, boundaries, etc.), to let go of certain hopes and dreams; and more materially, facing the need to find new housing and buy a new car.  The whispering threat under all of this letting go is, “And HOW are you going to pay for that?????”  UGH!

As it all came to a head this past weekend with the resurfacing of my deepest core wound and its source, I knew that the letting go was not about letting go, but was in fact about letting in. Specifically – letting God in.

In this realization, I must give credit and gratitude to my experience as a Spiritual Director (and a mystic). If I did not have the awareness of what the Divine call looks like, I would have been in much more despair than I have been (believe me, I’ve spent many hours on the couch wallowing in my grief, despair and perceived helplessness) and not known where to turn or how to make sense of every rug being pulled out from beneath my feet.  God isn’t an asshole (though sometimes it feels like “He” is.).  When we are being invited to let go….it is always for the purpose of letting in.

So, what does it mean when life is inviting us to release EVERYTHING upon which we have previously based our lives and EVERYTHING we formerly turned to as a source of hope and support? It means that life is supporting us in knowing that in the end, there is ONLY God.  Everything that we know of in our human experience is fleeting and temporary – relationships, jobs, homes, cars, money, belongings, our health and wellbeing, life itself.  It is all temporary and in the end, it all passes away.  When all has passed away….what is left is God.  Me and God.  God and me.  And when Lauri Ann Lumby is no longer, there is only God.

I am also grateful for my spiritual director, Leanore, who supported me yesterday in verbalizing my awareness and affirming the invitation. The purpose of all this letting go is so that I can let God in – to let God in on an even deeper level than I have ever done before.  To let God in so that I might know a deeper experience of God’s love.  To know God as my source of support.  To surrender into God’s hands knowing and trusting that God is carrying me to exactly where I need to be.  Most importantly of all….to do what I tell everyone of my students to do – to make God the number one priority of my life, to give all my energy and attention to God, to be open to receiving and being compelled and empowered by God’s love.  It is not about the temporary and fleeting things of this world, it is about God…..and only about God.

In closing, I want to share these words from Stephanie Azaria’s daily post (quoting one of her writers, Marie DesRoches at www.thecosmicpath.com.  If this isn’t God speaking to me, I don’t know what is:

In 3D I used to “think” of surrender as giving up my way and “doing” what God wanted.  In 5D I Align WITH the God That I Am and allow myself to BE all that I AM – expressing, moving, choosing, loving, breathing, WITH and IN that Presence.” 

 

Posted in Surrender

When the World You Have Known is Dying

What do we do when the Universe is emptying us of everything we have known in our lives, when everything on which we have depended for our fulfillment and survival is slowly being stripped away?

These are the questions I am asking myself at this very interesting juncture in my life. Every single way in which I have defined, experienced, described my life in the past 20 years is quickly falling away.  Every label I have given myself, every title, every name, has become irrelevant.  In this, I find myself without a name, a title, a way to describe myself, my business, or the work I do in the world.  I feel as if I am floating in the middle of the ocean in a boat without a compass, rudder, sail or paddle to guide me.  In this, I know I am not alone as I look upon the lives of my spiritual brothers and sisters, and the world at large, which all seem to be going through a similar emptying.

In the past, this level of emptying might have frightened me. But, at the ripe young age of 52, I have had enough experiences of letting go and emptying to know that this emptying is not without purpose.  I also know that fighting the death only delays its end, making the letting go all that more painful.  Instead, I have surrendered.  I have completely surrendered myself into the arms of the Divine Mother who explained in her own voice that she is carrying me to where I need to be.  It is only through complete and radical surrender that She can carry me.  So surrender I have done.  I am allowing myself space to grieve the end of what I have known.  I am allowing myself the freedom to STOP making plans, to STOP coming up with ideas, strategies, the next great formula for professional success.  Instead, I am allowing the emptying and allowing it some more.

I am surrendering and allowing because there is something else I have learned in this 52 year journey – when we surrender into the arms of the Divine, when we let go of our own planning and orchestrating, when we calm the inner fears that cause us to cling to what we have known out of some false sense of security, we are brought into a life far better than the one we had before – one that we could never imagine for ourselves, one so great and magnificent that we would think ourselves unworthy. This is the life that I will have room for once the dying and the emptying is complete.  And to this new life I say, “AMEN.”