Posted in Beloved Partnership, codependency, Relationships

Beloved Partnership? How You Can Love Me!

The purpose of my e-course Happily Ever After, is to support those who long for a new paradigm in human intimate relationship – one that is not rooted in co-dependency, as our past models have been, but one rooted, instead, in mutual respect and interdependence – the relationship I call “Beloved Partnership.”  Below is a list of how those in Beloved Partnership love each other….spoken from the perspective of the Divine Feminine, but which could just as easily be translated from the perspective of the Divine Masculine……Also know that the work outlined here is expected to be a mutual effort with both parties loving the other as they are feeling loved.

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How can you love me?……Let me count the ways:

First and foremost take time to know who I am. Not who you want me to be or the illusions of me you’ve created in your mind. If I’m not for you (or visa versa), let’s move on in mutual agreement….not waiting for each other to change or trying to change the other. Our perfect match is out there waiting….why waste our time with one who isn’t our match?

After we’ve agreed we match in the ways that are important to each other…..then and only then do I ask you to:

Spend time with me and when you do, pay attention. Be with me HERE. Listen to me. Hear what I am saying and remember it – if not the details, hear the energy and intention of it.

When you find yourself distracted by your own thoughts, worries, preoccupations, insecurities, fears, etc. take responsibility for it. Say, “I’m sorry, I lost focus, I got distracted by my own…give me a second to refocus…” Then, refocus.

Take responsibility for your own anxieties, fears and unhealed wounds and recognize when you are being triggered. Don’t blame me. Inform me so I can support you in moving through and transforming them.

Listen to what my needs are and be present as a source of support in helping me get these needs met. I’m not asking you to be my needs, but support me in getting them met.

Create with me an equal balance of shared interests and individual pursuits and where appropriate, participating in each other’s interests. I don’t need you to share everything with me…..but I enjoy when you take interest in my joys and I enjoy taking interest in yours.

Work with me in encouraging time with friends and family independent of couple time.

Encourage me in the pursuit of my dreams and support me in the things I need to cultivate these dreams. Know I will do the same for you.

Show me love through your personal love language while being attentive to mine (touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, quality time).

Speak kindly and gently to me.

Say please and thank you and say, “I love you,” often.

When you lose your patience or your temper (we’re all human after all), take it back, say you are sorry and then name what is really bothering you.

Appreciate who I am, what I do, what I bring to the world and our relationship. Express your gratitude in some OBVIOUS way. Don’t assume I know you are grateful.

Ask for my help when needed – especially when you are afraid of appearing weak for asking.

Accept my help when offered.

Show me your strength and your vulnerability. I want you to be authentic- with yourself and with me. It’s ok to be sad, scared, insecure, frustrated and angry.

Know what your needs are and communicate them to me. Let me know how I can help support you in getting them met…and then let me.

Be a person with whom I can feel safe.

Be impeccable with your word and stay true to any commitments we have agreed upon.

Put your arm around me. Cuddle me. Lay your hand on the small of my back to let me know you’re there and that we belong together. And by all means…..MAKE Sweet, toe-curling LOVE TO ME…….OFTEN!

Remember my birthday, mother’s day, our anniversary and other holidays with a card at least – dinner and/or a gift is great too!

Support me in expressing myself through my own unique style. If you don’t like what I’m wearing….keep your mouth shut and NEVER tell me I look fat!

Never finish a sentence that begins with “I know you don’t want to hear this…..” or “Don’t take this the wrong way.” A) You’re right, I don’t want to hear it and B) I am sure to take it the wrong way if you have to qualify it this way!

If I have children, love them and support me in my parenting of them.

And now……for those considering sharing a household……

If we share a household, participate equally in the needs of running a house and home, distributing tasks according to our own gifts and passions and equally tackling those tasks we both abhor.

If we share a home, create with me a space that is reflective of both our styles. I reserve the right, however, to invoke the Wisconsin Clause – relegating trophies (including hunting trophies), beer or sports signs or memorabilia to the man cave. If there isn’t one, I will help you build it!

Support me in the use of my princess card for things like changing a tire, shoveling a driveway, hauling mulch, catching bats. I’m happy to be independent and do the things I am able to do….and these acts are just chivalrous – which most women find sexy! Doing these things for me just might get you some! 😉

And….. never lose your sense of humor.  🙂

To learn more about the Happily Ever After course, click HERE.  Registration is still open.  This week’s lesson will be emailed to you upon registration. 

 

 

 

Posted in codependency, Relationships

Happily Ever After – e course

 

Announcing the Happily Ever After e-Course – completely online

From the course introduction: 

If you asked me to describe in one phrase what this course is about, I would say, “Jerry Maguire lies.”  This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us which then causes us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away which then results in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Happily Ever After seeks to transform our attitudes and behaviors related to intimate partnership and does so by transforming us from the inside out.  Integrating intellectual knowledge rooted in modern psychology with mindfulness-based practices and creative expression, Happily Ever After seeks to support us in achieving wholeness.  When we feel whole and complete within ourselves, we no longer look outside of ourselves for completion and if/when we find ourselves in partnership, our relationships are mutually satisfying, supportive and interdependent.

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To register for the course, click on the Paypal link below.  After payment is received, you will receive an invitation to join the private Facebook discussion group and lessons will begin arriving in your email on Sunday, May 24th!  We are excited for you to join us.  Welcome to the journey!

paypal

Posted in Relationships

Seeking Soul Mates, Twin Flames, The Beloved One

This is for all those men and women I know who have known the call of the Beloved – compelled to seek soul mates, twin flames, the True One, The One…..whatever your name for that, and struggling with the longing and the knowledge of an amazing kind of love.

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Where You Once Were

Torn and tangled shreds of my heart

From where you once were –

when we were still one.

Tree-branch hands

Brittle and twisted

Thrashing in the wind

Reaching into the void

Beyond myself and all I’ve tried to be.

Crying out in anguish

Longing for your return.

No matter how hard I try –

Pretending courage and strength

Independence and self-sufficiency –

In your absence,

I’m always less than one.

Knowing and feeling you as

the missing parts of my soul.

And no matter where I am grasping,

My hands returning empty…

Like the place in my heart

Where you once were.

Posted in Inspiration

Twin Flames and Soul Mates?

Everyday, several people arrive at my website seeking answers to questions about twin flames, soul mates, happily ever after.  Today, I want to respond to these questions directly….if for no other reason than perhaps to answer the question for myself.

preraphaelite-lovers

Once Upon a Dream

Somewhere around twelve years ago, I had a dream that changed my life.  The dream began atop a hill in the center of a circle of stones.  I found myself standing beside an ancient-looking man dressed in white – a druid priest I presumed.  He pointed me toward a path that led down the hill and into a village. “There is your heart’s desire,”  he said.  I went down the path into the village (it looked to be Elizabethan, and somewhere in Great Britain).  I assumed I would find myself at the doors of a church (to learn that my heart’s desire was God), but instead found myself standing before the door of a row house.  I opened the door and walked in, this was my home.  I entered into the house and there was a man crouched down repairing a chair.  He looked up at me with recognition, welcome and then, adoration.  He stood up, and welcomed me into his arms and we kissed.  In his embrace, I was home.  I felt peaceful, secure, fulfilled.  He was my beloved, my soul mate, my twin flame, my True One.  And then I woke up.

The Recognition of Love

What I found in that dream was LOVE.  For the first time in my life, I knew what relational love felt like, and that I was deserving of love and to know love like that.  And then, I began a 12 year journey that continues yet today, for dreams are tricky, you see.  At first, I believed I was being invited to find that kind of the love in the relationship I was in at the time of the dream.  When that search proved fruitless, I decided that perhaps the dream was inviting me to find that love in God.  I embarked on a passionate search for God and found support of this search through the Song of Songs in the Hebrew scripture, the modern day writings of Tessa Bieleki and the poetry of Rumi, Hafiz, Rilke and John of the Cross (to name a few).  When I felt sufficiently full of God’s love, I found that this was not enough.  I then turned that love toward myself.  I worked long and hard at not only embracing God’s love, but learning to know and be that love within myself and in the world.  The more I found myself rooted in God’s love and the more I came to love myself, the more I realized that the relationship I was in was not reflective of this love. After many twists and turns, that relationship came to a natural end and I turned once again to Divine and Self love.  As those loves grew deeper roots, I found myself again seeking the relational component to the manifestation of love, sometimes in a needy, co-dependent kind of way, but more often, quietly waiting and trusting that as I was being the love God had called me to be, that the love that matches my love would find its way into my life, all the while continuing to deepen my love of God and love of Self.

Twin Flames, Soul Mates, True Ones, Happily Ever After?

After all this twisting and turning in search for the answer to my dream, I find I am left with more questions than answers. What I believe I can say with some certitude, however, is that the dreams of twin flames, soul mates, true ones and happily ever after have nothing to do with finding someone to complete us.  Instead, the dreams of love that we all possess within our beings are

1) About God calling us home.

2) About being called home to ourselves.

3) About being the love we are called to be in the world and finding fulfillment through this being.

Then, when we are whole and complete within ourselves, we are free to love another freely and to enter into a conscious, loving, interdependent relationship that is rooted in mutual love and support, respect and co-creation.

Planted in Our Hearts

That being said, I also tend to believe that God plants within our hearts the knowledge of the person who will perfectly (or imperfectly….we are human after all) reflect this love. When we have done the work of showing up to ourselves, when we cease from striving, when we are finished with the needing, that person will show up (probably when and where we least expect it), and we will know them by a look in their eyes and in a recognition in our hearts.

 

Posted in Initiation, teachers

Who is “The Man?”

In today’s blog, I share with you a strange phenomenon that I am hearing about from clients and have admittedly experienced myself….this phenomenon has been described by all as “the man.”  Who is “the man” and is this experience limited to women?  Please share with me your experiences of “the man” if you have had them.

 

 

My Experience with “the Man”

As I put finger to keyboard, I feel every fiber of my being contracting in resistance, afraid to share this story for fear of being recognized as COMPLETELY INSANE!  I have since had many female clients share with me stories similar to my own, so either we are all nuts…or this is some sort of universal experience…or at least a significant part of some women’s spiritual journeys (apologies ahead of time to the men, for I have only heard of this experience from women…if you are having similar experiences, please let me know and I will add an addendum to this blog!)  For me it started in an experience of guided meditation.  The gist of it is that somewhere in the midst of the meditation, I suddenly found myself standing before a man.  The man was strikingly handsome (according to my own personal criteria anyway), but what was most significant was the way he looked at me….he gazed at me with the look of pure, adoring, passionate, unconditional love.  I was held spellbound and something broke open in me under that gaze that compelled me on a spiritual journey that has completely altered the course of my life. Ironically, or coincidently for me, “the Man” looked a lot like the 1970’s portrait of Jesus that I call “Hot Jesus” or alternatively, like Viggo Mortenson as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings.  (hubba hubba)

The Temptation

The crazy part of the appearance of “the man”, (and this part seems to be universal), is the temptation to think…..”Oh, here is the guy that is going to love me beyond reason, he is my soulmate, my twinflame, my spiritual equal, my partner, etc. etc. etc.   This is the guy that will finally make me happy.”  Now, the appearance of “the man” may alert us to things in our personal, intimate relationships that are not fulfilling, life-giving, supportive of who we are and who we are called to be, but the temptation is in believing that there is some “one guy” out there that will provide all these things.  (and maybe there is…who am I to proclaim the ultimate outcome of “the man’s” appearance.) I’m just saying the temptation is to fall into that compulsive search for someone “out there” who is going to make us whole, complete us, give us emotional, spiritual and physical fulfillment.  And…apparently everyone who meets “the man” spends at least some time languishing in this search.

The Teacher

Another part of the journey with “the man” seems to be about “the teacher”.  In Jana Dixon’s story, “the teacher” was an actually living, breathing, walking human that she met after her initial dreams of “the man” and who bore a striking resemblance to “the man”.  For me, it was about Jesus.  For Jana, she found resources of growth, spiritual tools for transformation and healing through the work of her “teacher”.  For me, it was through Jesus that these tools were revealed.  I spent time in prayer with him, read and prayed with scripture, read books on Jesus and his life from sources outside of scripture.  In my mind, Jesus was my beloved (and in truth, still is), and I was his.  This journey with the teacher, however, is ultimately not about the teacher, but about the inner spiritual growth that you experience through the teacher’s experience, wisdom, insight, guidance.  The goal here is not co-dependency with the teacher, but empowerment through them. 

The Higher Invitation

According to Jana Dixon (Biology of Kundalini), “The Man” show us to wake us up and to initiate us on our spiritual journey toward awakened enlightenment and inner fulfillment.  “The Man” appears to show us the parts of ourselves that are unrealized and unintegrated, then invites us on to the path of searching, discovering, embracing all the parts of ourselves so that we can remember that the truest source of fulfillment is within.  “The Man” is not about the call to find our outside soulmate, but to rediscover the soulmate within, to find Oneness within ourselves and to know the harmony and fulfillment of self-knowledge and integration that is our truest and most original nature. 

Where have you met “the man” in your own journey?

How are you being invited to be open to your own inner fulfillment through the process of self-discovery and integration?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com