Posted in codependency, happily ever after, Relationships

The Number One Reason Relationships Fail

In the twenty-plus years I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have identified the number one reason relationships fail:

Looking for the other person to complete us.

 

Co-Dependency

In the recovery world, co-dependency is limited to addictive/compulsive patterns of enabling.  Here, co-dependency is expanded to include any behaviors, attitudes and relationship dynamics which are rooted in the search for another person to complete us.  Co-dependency arises out of a deep inner longing that says, “I am not enough,” making us feel incomplete, fractured and fragmented.  In an effort to quell this longing, we look for “the other” who will complete us.  We find someone who we believe might complete us, and for a time (as long as we are in the infatuation stage of the relationship), they might.  Eventually, however, the longing returns (because we never healed the true source of the longing), the fantasies we have created about our partner fall and we begin to see them for who they really are – fractured and imperfect just like we are.  Resentment sets in and trouble begins.

 

Search for the Other vs. Search for Ourselves

When we are searching outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, it is because we do not know ourselves.  The longing that drives this search for “the other” in reality, has nothing to do with “the other.” Instead, this longing is really the longing to know ourselves.  Until we know otherwise, or until the bottom falls out (whichever comes first), the longing to know ourselves disguises itself in the longing for another to complete us.  We are never fulfilled in our relationships, however, until we turn this longing for “the other” inward and start doing the work of coming to know ourselves.  In coming to know ourselves, we discover our own unique gifts, our passions, what gives us joy and makes us feel complete – WITHIN OURSELVES.  When we know ourselves, we no longer look for someone to complete us, instead, we wait for another complete person with whom we can enjoy the journey of life in a mutually supportive, interdependent relationship where both are honored as sacred and holy and where the two work together to support the needs of each other in service to the betterment of the world.

For support in moving away from patterns of co-dependency, looking for another to complete you, check out my new book:

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com
Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

 

 

Posted in codependency, happily ever after, Relationships

Happily Ever After: my latest book available now!

Buy it Now! 

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com
Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership presents a new model for intimate partnership along with the process for getting there. Happily Ever After recognizes that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion our relationships are doomed to fail – supporting the belief that the healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual love and support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and the outcome of this process.

Through personal narrative, informative dialogue, poetry, mindfulness practices, and creativity exercises; you will be invited to deconstruct existing and former patterns of co-dependency while building the foundation upon which you can find happiness and fulfillment within while preparing for the possibility of healthy interdependency with another – what is here called beloved partnership.  Once you are complete within yourself, you will settle for nothing less.

 

From the book’s introduction:

If you asked me to describe in one phrase what this book is about, I would say, “Jerry Maguire lies.” This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us, causing us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away resulting in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Jerry Maguire is not alone, however, in supporting the long-standing culture of co-dependency predominating the West. Traditional fairytales with their happily ever after endings are another common culprit.  While all too many have learned that happily ever after isn’t always so happy, traditional fairytales are still the foundational myths upon which we establish our hopes and dreams of intimate partnership.  The difficult truth is that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion, or basing our hopes on fairytale dreams, our relationships are doomed to fail.  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, we will never truly be satisfied and will fail in our search for a fulfilling and enduring love.  The true source of fulfillment can only come from within.

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership is based on this premise and therefore presents a different model of intimate partnership. The healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and of the process into which you will be invited.

couple-690765_1280

 

Testimonials from Course Participants:

I embarked on the journey of the “Happily Ever After” course, with the gifted and inspirational tour guide; Lauri Ann Lumby. This process of reflections, creative exercises and self discovery revealed the power we have within to discover our own true source of happiness, fulfillment and peace so that then we can create a foundation for a healthy, mutually loving and supportive partnership.  R. M. Oshkosh, WI

Lauri’s Happily Ever After course is an essential tool for emotional well-being. I’ve benefitted greatly by learning who I am, what my needs are, and how to prevent myself from falling back into unhealthy codependent relationships. Everyone can benefit from Lauri’s guidance. You’re going to learn so much about yourself along the way!”   K.B. Appleton, WI

I feel this course allowed me to bring even more awareness to the benefit of really being your own beloved first and foremost. With the thoughtful questions and exercises- building on chapter to chapter – it allowed patterns to be brought to the surface for awareness and healing. I also gained insight into what I am really looking for in a relationship and what I am about as a woman. This course also complimented a wonderful relationship I have with the utmost Beloved-God which only looks for what is in the best for my highest good. .No more settling!   L. J. Larsen, WI

lauricurtsie2Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATS has been known as mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife, lover, student, teacher, counselor, minister, healer, writer, poet, heretic, witch, professional shit-disturber, heretic, and blasphemer. After more than fifty years of asking the question, “Who am I?” Lauri has come to the realization that she is just plain Lauri, and that on any given day, she can be whomever she wants to be.  Lauri is the author of the Song of the Beloved – the Gospel According to Mary Magdalene, Returning – A Woman’s Midlife Journey to Herself, Authentic Freedom – Claiming a Life of Contentment and Joy and Christouch – a Christ-centered Approach to Energy Medicine through Hands-on Healing.   She is also the owner of Authentic Freedom Academy in Oshkosh, Wisconsin where she lives with her two amazing children.  You can learn more about Lauri, her professional services and workshops at www.authenticfreedomacademy.com.

Posted in Being Human, Relationships, self-actualization, women

Woman on Fire – The Poetry of Wendy E. Slater

I don’t remember what initially caused our lives to intersect, but since coming to know Wendy E. Slater, I have found in her a soul-sister, fellow shit-disturber, priestess, goddess and healer.  When I was flat on my back with a raging ear infection last fall, Wendy showed up with her Shamanic gifts and helped support my healing.  For this, I will be ever, eternally grateful.  Wendy’s poetry rocks me to the core and sings to my soul – songs of the feminine angst, sexual tension, the ecstasies and agonies of love and just plain REALNESS.  More than anything, Wendy exposes the fullness of what it means to be human and what it means to be fully female in a masculine-dominated world.  I love her work, but more than this, I love her Soul and the gifts she brings to humanity in its transition from ignorance into true seeing, fear into love.  Thank you Wendy!  

BUY IT ON AMAZON HERE.

Of the Flame, Poems-Volume 15 by Wendy E. Slater is the second in the series of her spiritual poetry or “vision quest poetry” to be published. The poetry continues to chronicle the inner journey of self-discovery and the Divine, awakening us to our own Truth as we travel the path, the personal journey, and awaken from the illusory separation of self and Divinity. Subsequently, self-forgiveness allows us to surrender to our wholeness without false perfection. When we cast blame and self-judgment aside, we transform, heal, and reawaken from “the mythos” of separation and become One.

Buy it Now!
Buy it Now!

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As the flame comes in,

     It comes forth

       Like a volcano

       With rage kept under

            The sea

                Of devotion

                Of being apart

                And not touched,

                The grace

                    Of love gone

                    For too long ,

                    Like amnesia.

 

When water hits vents with force

       From movement below

                It all spews forth

       Without hiding

               From God’s eye

       I have been discovered

                In the lingering dormancy

       And creating now

                By amplitude

       Our continent.

(c) 2016 Wendy E. Slater

Reader Reviews for Of the Flame:

“Wendy E. Slater’s new volume of poetry, Of the Flame, reads like a smoking bowl of hot chilis right off the griddle. Consider this, ‘Who is omniscient / Lies in wait / On the porch / To eat your ego alive,’ and further, ‘The unfolding / Is in the forest of my love, / Mysterious unchartered territory.’ Profound, gutsy, full of life and a thoroughly enjoyable read. Full of passion and flame, indeed. Highly recommended.”

—John A. Perks, author of The Mahasiddha and His Idiot Servant Ven. Seonaidh Perks, Celtic Buddhist Lineage

“Once again Wendy E. Slater turns her unique poetic talents, her gritty voice and her lyrical intensity to an exploration of the self, in contexts that demand a cunning navigation between the longing for companionship and the need for independence, between contemporary society’s false glitter with its plastic wrapped apparent perfection and the true beauty that the mind demands but also fears. Hers is a world of shopping malls and tigers, AstroTurf and mountains, mud puddles and flame, contrasts that fuse into a powerfully rewarding poetic whole.”

—Rosemary Lloyd, Litt.D (Cambridge), scholar and translator, and author of Baudelaire’s World

“Wendy E. Slater revels in all aspects of love. Love between people—love’s longings—the bittersweet aspects of loving—even the forgiving parts of love. Using short choppy lines in forceful poetics, she explains her feelings, her wishes and the boundaries of love. She describes the ‘Coral majesty of fishes / In ecstatic hues / Of tropical vibration’ and ‘A bouquet / Of spring flowers / All ways / Unfolding in the Breath’s / Sacred exhale’ in terms of life itself. Ms. Slater successfully writes with intelligence and knowledge about the feelings and interactions between people and their effects on one another. She reaches the core and uncovers the basis. Each reader will relate to her words based on their own lives. We will all benefit from her poems providing this insight. To sum up this latest book of poems, Wendy E. Slater writes about humanity with a ceaseless and challenging purpose.”

—D.R. Deutsch, Poet-In-Residence, Port Chester, Rye Brook Public Library

Wendy E. Slater:

Wendy E.SlaterMy life experience continues to be a personal healing journey of self knowledge, gained by participating in and or observing all facets of my own life story. I seek the meaning of life by giving my own life meaning. Originally a liberal arts student in the 1980’s, I gravitated toward science (i.e., the genetics of small captive societies) during my years of academic study and increasingly became aware, and an advocate, of the interconnectedness of all living things.
This understanding was refined through the years with the help of a holistic medical doctor who introduced me to his world of alternative, nontraditional medicine, beginning with ortho molecular medicine and vitamin therapy, and culminating, among other things, with acupuncture, homeopathy, intuitive healing, radionics, psychic healing, shamanistic healing, herbs, essences, and Chi Gong.
Like Diogenes searching the world for an honest man, I searched traditional and nontraditional medicine for healing. My journey made me increasingly aware that all human societies, throughout the Ages, in each era or geographic location, recognize healers, regardless of the nature of the treatments offered, who communicate with life force energy, external to the individual but at the same time resident within the self.
 My realization that balance between these forms of life force energies is key to well-being led me to study and gain experience in radionics, homeopathy, iridology, and meditation; as a Reiki Master Teacher, a certified Jin Shin Jyutsu® practitioner and self-help instructor, and as a student of Tibetan Yoga teacher training; and in Chi Gong, the healing properties of herbs, flower and gem essences, healing crystals and gems, and quantum healing.
Learn more about Wendy and her work at https://traduka.com/
Posted in Beloved Partnership, Boundaries, codependency, Relationships

You Don’t Complete Me!

Damn, You Don’t Complete Me!

Many relationships entered into in our youth are established upon the illusion that the other person will complete us.  We look to the other to fill the emptiness and longing we feel inside.  Eventually, we realize that the other person is not completing us as disappointment and resentment rush in.   Now we have entered the dark night of the relationship.  We then begin to harbor blame, resentment and hatred against the other person for not being the fantasy we created in our mind.  It is this resentment that will eventually destroy our relationships unless we do something about it.

The Only Person Who Can Complete You is YOU!

Doing something about the resentment, many discover all the ways in which they have been socialized to seek outside of themselves for love and completion, along with all the ways in which they believe that love is something that has to be earned or that can be denied them.  What often arises out of these false perceptions is co-dependency.   If you are the one who has given away your power, hoping in return for completion and love, the invitation is to take your power back.  This means identifying all the ways in which you have remained silent, ignored or suppressed your needs or your truth, stayed in the background, forsaken your needs and tended to the needs of others at the expense of your own needs.

Welcome Perimenopause and Menopause

For women, compounding, hastening and perhaps even catalyzing this invitation to tend to ones own needs is the advent of menopause.  When women become aware (consciously or unconsciously) that their time for childbearing has come to an end, they begin to see their lives through a dramatically different lens.  During the vulnerable years of childbearing, and while the children are still tender, vulnerable little beings, a veil stands between a woman’s sight and truth.  All of the woman’s energy and attention is directed at the survival of the children.  Once the children become viable, and the woman knows she is done bearing children, the veil collapses.  Every personal need, creative drive, personal desire, wish, hope and dream that was placed on the shelf for the sake of the needs of the children and family come tumbling down.  And now, the woman’s inner drive is directed toward the rediscovery of her own truth, her own needs and the discovery of the vocation which will provide her fulfillment in the second half of her life.  Wife/Mom suddenly becomes a different person and the husband/children are left to wonder, “What the heck just happened?”  This is often when the threads of co-dependency begin to unravel and the rules of the household begin to change.  (please note that men have their own version of this midlife transition – as I understand it, it is a departure from the role of provider to the role of enjoyer…sadly our culture and our current expectations of gender roles does not do a good job of supporting this transition either!)

Undoing Co-Dependency

Whether it is the man or the woman who has been the partner bargaining their own needs for the illusion of completion and love, the process is the same.  Co-dependent behaviors are identified, and we begin the process of changing how we act and respond in our relationships.  We begin by identifying our own truth, our own needs, our own dreams, hopes and desires.  Then we begin to exercise these truths.  We name and claim our needs to those around us.  We set boundaries around our need for “ME” time.  We learn to say no to those things not supportive of our needs and we begin to make time for those things that are life-giving for us.  We stop rushing to the side of those around us every time they seem to be in distress, and we empower them to learn how to tend to their own needs.  We stop doing for others what they are capable of doing for themselves.

A Rude Awakening

For those who have been trained by our co-dependency to expect us to take care of them or to forsake our own needs for theirs, this is a time of RUDE AWAKENING!  We have trained our loved ones well, and now we are changing the rules.  The first response is often bewilderment which then turns into rebellion and often outright war!  “What do you mean you’re not going to make my breakfast?”  “But you’ve always picked out my clothes for me.”  “What good are art classes at your age?”  “You want to go back to school….for what!?”  “Why would you want time for yourself…don’t you love us?”  For those who have been trained to forsake their own needs for the needs of those they love, this can be a difficult transition as the demons of guilt whisper, and sometimes scream in our ears, “You are abandoning your family….they need you….this is your job…..”  In response to this, I will share with you a mantra that was once given to me by a great teacher:

The most loving thing you can do for those you love is to do what is most loving for yourself.

Every time you claim your own need, every time you set boundaries around your own time, every time you stop doing something for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves, you are teaching them how NOT to be co-dependent.  You are modeling for them healthy, interdependent behavior. And you are empowering them to be GROWN UPS!

If you are interested in unraveling from past patterns of co-dependency check out our relationship course, Happily Ever After.  Click on image below to learn more.

Register HERE
Register HERE
Posted in codependency, Relationships

Happily Ever After Online Course

Jerry Maguire lies. This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us which then causes us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away which then results in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Register HERE
Register HERE

Jerry Maguire is not alone, however, in supporting the long-standing culture of co-dependency predominating the West. Traditional fairytales with their happily ever after endings are another common culprit.  While all too many have learned that happily ever after isn’t always so happy, traditional fairytales are still the foundational myths upon which we establish our hopes and dreams of intimate partnership.  The difficult truth is that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion, or basing our hopes on fairytale dreams, our relationships are doomed to fail.  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, we will never truly be satisfied and will fail in our search for a fulfilling and enduring love.  The true source of fulfillment can only come from within.

My Happily Ever After online course is based on this premise and therefore presents a different model of intimate partnership. The healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual support.  Interdependence is the goal of this course (and yet to be published book) and of the process into which you will be invited.

Through personal narrative, informative dialogue, poetry, mindfulness practices, and creativity exercises; you will be invited to deconstruct existing and former patterns of co-dependency, by identifying and healing the inner wounds which have caused you to indulge in co-dependent behaviors in the first place. Utilizing the familiar structure of traditional fairytales as a roadmap, you will then learn the skills necessary for building the foundation upon which you can find happiness and fulfillment within while preparing for the possibility of healthy interdependency with another.

Learn more and register for the course HERE.  

(P.S. It’s cheaper than counseling!)

 

Posted in codependency

The Gift of Celibacy?

This afternoon, one of the students of my “What’s Your Magic – Discovering Your Spiritual Gifts” course, asked me to further elaborate on the “gift of celibacy.”  “Who would EVER think of celibacy as a gift?” you might ask.  Find out here…..and while you’re at it, ask yourself what your unique spiritual gifts might be…..and if you are still searching, check out my online course What is Your Magic?  (33% off the normal price for the remainder of the month of February)

 prayermonk-555391_640

Voluntary Celibacy is listed as one of the spiritual gifts in the 26 traditional charisms of the Judeo-Christian tradition. This is a bit of “magic” that tends to grab the attention (and maybe even raise a few eyebrows) of those raised in a Western culture, especially the American culture where sexuality is so suppressed that it ends up coming out sideways – as evidenced in an overabundance of pornography, sexual violence against women and children and the objectification of women and men – using sex to sell everything from toothpaste to pickup trucks and beer.  As our suppressed sexuality is busy coming (no pun intended) out sideways, our culture, especially our politicians, vehemently defend our Puritan/Christian/Victorian roots of sexual conservativism.  Hah!  I think we protesteth too much!

In an oversexed and sexually suppressed culture, the idea of voluntary celibacy sounds like blasphemy. This is even more true when the culture privileges partnership, especially sexual partnership, effectively condemning those called to a single life – either as a life vocation, or temporarily in support of their own psycho-spiritual or emotional development or wellbeing.  This is further compounded when the cultural model of intimate relationship is based in lack, men and women looking for the perfect partner to “complete” them, thereby casting those who are purposefully choosing celibacy, or those who are celibate due to circumstance, as “less than” those who have been lucky enough to find “love.” (note:  love based in lack is not love…it is co-dependency).

Beyond our cultural confusion regarding authentically healthy human sexuality, voluntary celibacy is a gift which empowers one to live singly, and absent sexual partnership for the sake of their psycho-spiritual growth and emotional wellbeing, or in support of a larger vocation. For some, it is a conscious choice appropriate to a larger vocational choice, freeing the creative energies (sexual energy is ultimately creativity in action) that might otherwise be engaged sexually for the purposes of their personal mission and life’s purpose.  Dorothy Day, for example, chose celibacy so that she could dedicate more of her time, passion and attention to her mission to support and be an advocate for the poor.  Some might choose temporary celibacy to support their own healing from an unhealthy, co-dependent or even abusive relationship.  Others might not make the choice consciously, but are facing life circumstances where an intimate partnership is not currently in the cards.  In this case, the magic of voluntary celibacy gives one the ability to be content (and not terribly bothered) by this time of temporary celibacy.  Not everyone has this capacity to be single, celibate and content.  This capacity is the ultimate hallmark of those in possession of this gift – the magic of voluntary celibacy.

 

If you are interested in learning about your unique magic, (whether or not it is voluntary celibacy) check out my online course, What is Your Magic?   33% off the regular price for remainder of the month of February! 

EcourseAd

Or, if you are interested in moving beyond patterns of co-dependency toward a more rewarding and enduring Beloved Partnership, check out my online course, “Happily Ever After” 

Register HERE
Register HERE

 

Posted in Beloved Partnership, codependency, Relationships

Relationship Support

As we usher in the new world, a new model of intimate human relationship is being called forth.  In the new world we move beyond co-dependency (looking for the other to complete us) to interdependency, or what I call Beloved (or Sacred) Partnership.

holdinghands

Beloved Partnership is known by two healthy and whole individuals (or at the very least, two working toward wholeness) who are coming together in partnership as sources of mutual honor, respect and support for each other.  In Beloved Partnership, both partners work toward achieving their own greatness and reaching their fullest potential, while supporting the other in doing the same.

Abraham Maslow (Motivation and Personality, 1970, pp. 181- 202), identified the following as characteristics of beloved partnership (what he called the self-actualized relationship):

  • A partnership where there is a mutual giving and receiving of love, both parties are equally able and willing to engage in both giving and receiving.
  • A healthy sexuality rooted in and reflective of love – more creative, ecstatic, orgasmic and fulfilling, yet also less about attachment. It is not a needy kind of intimacy, but instead is mutually fulfilling.
  • Pooling of needs – your needs, wants, desires, become mine and visa versa – such that there becomes one hierarchy of needs with two people seeking after their fulfillment.
  • Fun, merriment, joy, spontaneity, elation, feelings of well-being.
  • Mutual honor and respect of the other’s individual gifts, talents, drive, passions, interests, temperament, etc.
  • Mutual, authentic admiration, wonder and awe.
  • Detachment and Individuality – able to be in relationship without compromising one’s own individuality.

couple-690765_1280

Barbara Marx Hubbard (Conscious Evolution, 2015, pp. 238 – 239) says this about Beloved Partnership (what she called the co-creative couple):

Now we become the co-creative couple, which begins when both partners achieve within themselves at least the beginning of a balance between the masculine and feminine, the animus and the anima.  It begins when the woman’s initiative and vocational need is received in love by the feminine receptivity of her partner.  When she is loved for her more masculine side, she falls in love with the man’s feminine aspect, for what she needs is the nurturance of her own strength and creativity.  She loves him for his receptivity. He no longer has to prove himself by control and domination.  He can bring forth his own creativity without aggression.  And she can express her strength without fear of losing him.  Whole being joins with whole being, recreating the family at the next stage of evolution.  Same-sex couples experience a similar process of integration and joining to emancipate each other (p. 238).

Authentic Freedom Academy provides support for both new couples hoping to build Beloved Partnership and for existing couples who find themselves at the stage of needing to re-negotiate a relationship that may have been established on the former model of co-dependency (wanting the other to complete us).

To learn more about Beloved Partnership support, contact Lauri Ann Lumby (920) 230-1313 or email lauri@authenticfreedomacademy.com.

Posted in codependency, Relationships

10 Characteristics of Healthy Love

10 Characteristics of Healthy Love

Leave it to Abraham Maslow to be generations ahead of the curve!  In his groundbreaking work, Toward a Psychology of Being, he perfectly articulates the difference between co-dependent love (what he refers to as “deficit love”) and interdependent love (what he calls “B-love”).  The latter, is what I believe we are evolving toward as a species and which I have been working to support in myself, my clients and students through Authentic Freedom Academy.  Co-dependent love seeks after the other to fill an emptiness one feels within.  Interdependent love arises out of two healthy and already whole individuals and by its very nature supports the fullest development of both.  As Maslow asks, “It is a real question whether the full development of the human being is possible without it” (Maslow, 1968, p. 43).

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This is how you can know if you are operating out of interdependent and healthy love:

1) Love is non-possessive: Your attitude in your love relationship is admiring rather than needy.

2) Your love grows greater over time: Love is the end rather than the means and is enjoyable by its nature.

3) Possessing qualities of a peak experience: The love you engage in is uplifting, ecstatic, unitive, pleasurable….and this is not just about sex.

4) Possessing therapeutic (healing) effects: Healthy love heals – producing hormones which stimulates physical, emotional, mental and spiritual healing.

5) More valuable, enriching, expansive than most other love relationships you witness.

6) Not directed toward gratification: Not being a need-based love, healthy love does not seek after gratification.

7) Absence of anxiety and/or hostility: While anxiety for the other may be present, there is a marked absence of anxiety (looking for needs to be met) or hostility (resentment over not getting needs met) within the relationship.

8) Interdependence: In Maslow’s exact words,

“Lovers are more independent of each other, more autonomous, less jealous or threatened, less needful, more individual, more disinterested, but also simultaneously more eager to help the other toward self-actualization, more proud of his triumphs, more altruistic, generous and fostering.” (Maslow, 1968, Toward a Psychology of Being, p. 43, New York, NY: Van Nostrand Reinhold Company)

10) Allows the other to be created: This kind of love relationship supports each partner in becoming their truest, most authentic, most fully developed self.  It supports our positive and healthy development.

 

If this is the kind of love that you seek and do not yet possess, call Lauri Ann Lumby to schedule a private session to begin working on developing the traits within yourself to support this kind of love. (920) 230-1313 or lauri@yourspiritualtruth.com.

 

 

Posted in Beloved Partnership, codependency, Relationships

Beloved Partnership? How You Can Love Me!

The purpose of my e-course Happily Ever After, is to support those who long for a new paradigm in human intimate relationship – one that is not rooted in co-dependency, as our past models have been, but one rooted, instead, in mutual respect and interdependence – the relationship I call “Beloved Partnership.”  Below is a list of how those in Beloved Partnership love each other….spoken from the perspective of the Divine Feminine, but which could just as easily be translated from the perspective of the Divine Masculine……Also know that the work outlined here is expected to be a mutual effort with both parties loving the other as they are feeling loved.

acehearts

How can you love me?……Let me count the ways:

First and foremost take time to know who I am. Not who you want me to be or the illusions of me you’ve created in your mind. If I’m not for you (or visa versa), let’s move on in mutual agreement….not waiting for each other to change or trying to change the other. Our perfect match is out there waiting….why waste our time with one who isn’t our match?

After we’ve agreed we match in the ways that are important to each other…..then and only then do I ask you to:

Spend time with me and when you do, pay attention. Be with me HERE. Listen to me. Hear what I am saying and remember it – if not the details, hear the energy and intention of it.

When you find yourself distracted by your own thoughts, worries, preoccupations, insecurities, fears, etc. take responsibility for it. Say, “I’m sorry, I lost focus, I got distracted by my own…give me a second to refocus…” Then, refocus.

Take responsibility for your own anxieties, fears and unhealed wounds and recognize when you are being triggered. Don’t blame me. Inform me so I can support you in moving through and transforming them.

Listen to what my needs are and be present as a source of support in helping me get these needs met. I’m not asking you to be my needs, but support me in getting them met.

Create with me an equal balance of shared interests and individual pursuits and where appropriate, participating in each other’s interests. I don’t need you to share everything with me…..but I enjoy when you take interest in my joys and I enjoy taking interest in yours.

Work with me in encouraging time with friends and family independent of couple time.

Encourage me in the pursuit of my dreams and support me in the things I need to cultivate these dreams. Know I will do the same for you.

Show me love through your personal love language while being attentive to mine (touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, quality time).

Speak kindly and gently to me.

Say please and thank you and say, “I love you,” often.

When you lose your patience or your temper (we’re all human after all), take it back, say you are sorry and then name what is really bothering you.

Appreciate who I am, what I do, what I bring to the world and our relationship. Express your gratitude in some OBVIOUS way. Don’t assume I know you are grateful.

Ask for my help when needed – especially when you are afraid of appearing weak for asking.

Accept my help when offered.

Show me your strength and your vulnerability. I want you to be authentic- with yourself and with me. It’s ok to be sad, scared, insecure, frustrated and angry.

Know what your needs are and communicate them to me. Let me know how I can help support you in getting them met…and then let me.

Be a person with whom I can feel safe.

Be impeccable with your word and stay true to any commitments we have agreed upon.

Put your arm around me. Cuddle me. Lay your hand on the small of my back to let me know you’re there and that we belong together. And by all means…..MAKE Sweet, toe-curling LOVE TO ME…….OFTEN!

Remember my birthday, mother’s day, our anniversary and other holidays with a card at least – dinner and/or a gift is great too!

Support me in expressing myself through my own unique style. If you don’t like what I’m wearing….keep your mouth shut and NEVER tell me I look fat!

Never finish a sentence that begins with “I know you don’t want to hear this…..” or “Don’t take this the wrong way.” A) You’re right, I don’t want to hear it and B) I am sure to take it the wrong way if you have to qualify it this way!

If I have children, love them and support me in my parenting of them.

And now……for those considering sharing a household……

If we share a household, participate equally in the needs of running a house and home, distributing tasks according to our own gifts and passions and equally tackling those tasks we both abhor.

If we share a home, create with me a space that is reflective of both our styles. I reserve the right, however, to invoke the Wisconsin Clause – relegating trophies (including hunting trophies), beer or sports signs or memorabilia to the man cave. If there isn’t one, I will help you build it!

Support me in the use of my princess card for things like changing a tire, shoveling a driveway, hauling mulch, catching bats. I’m happy to be independent and do the things I am able to do….and these acts are just chivalrous – which most women find sexy! Doing these things for me just might get you some! 😉

And….. never lose your sense of humor.  🙂

To learn more about the Happily Ever After course, click HERE.  Registration is still open.  This week’s lesson will be emailed to you upon registration. 

 

 

 

Posted in Being Human, codependency, Relationships

Second Most Common Reason Relationships Fail

Last week I wrote about the number one reason relationships fail.  (Read that post HERE). Today, I am writing about the second more common reason for relationship failure:

Unmanaged Anxiety

Anxiety is Normal!

First of all….anxiety is normal and we all have it!  Anxiety can be mild as in the case of “butterflies” before an important event or severe as in the case of a full-blown panic attack.  Anxiety can manifest in a simple case of nerves or escalate into emotional collapse or mental paralysis.  Anxiety has many faces and degrees of severity and it arises out of a multitude of situations.  Sometimes anxiety is situational and at other times, it arises out of unhealed emotional wounds or physical trauma, as is the case with PTSD.  Anxiety also acts as an alert system notifying us that there is something within us that wants to be known – our truth (ie. Kundalini Awakening, Ascension symptoms) our desire for a life of meaning, the longing for fulfilling work, needs that are not being met, etc.  Anxiety is normal.  We all have it, and anxiety, in and of itself, is not bad.  Instead, anxiety is there to help us understand something deeper that wants to be known.

stress

The Problem

The problem is that in our culture, we are not taught how to identify anxiety or what to do with it (except numb it through medication, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, etc.). Not knowing how to identify anxiety or what to do about it would not be so much of a problem if we only have ourselves to deal with.  As human beings, however, we live in community. If we are not identifying and managing our anxiety properly, it tends to come out sideways, doing damage to ourselves and the people around us (Where do you think wars come from???).

The Blame Game

The most common way that unmanaged anxiety “comes out sideways” is in what I call The Blame Game. When we have unidentified and unmanaged anxiety, the go-to place of this anxiety is most often projection.  We feel unease, but we haven’t taken the time (or don’t have the skills) to identify what we are feeling and why.  So, instead of taking responsibility for our own inner terrain, we are certain that the people around us are responsible for our unease (our husband, kids, roommate, parents, co-workers, etc.).  We blame them for our feelings, then we either lash out in anger or turn the unease inward and harbor resentment toward “the other” for making us feel this way.

Healing our Relationships

One step we can take toward healing our interpersonal relationships is to learn how to identify and manage our own anxiety.  When we take care of our inner terrain, we no longer have the need to make “the other” the enemy. Taking care of our anxiety facilitates honesty in relationships which thereby cultivates intimacy. Managing our anxiety also gives us the tools through which we can cultivate healthy communication with others who have also learned to manage their anxiety – making overall better relationships….period!

 

Need support in identifying and managing your anxiety? Call Lauri Ann Lumby (920) 230-1313 or email lauri@yourspiritualtruth.com to schedule an appointment.

Or check out our upcoming e-course, Happily Ever After – from Co-dependency to the Fulfillment of Love which explores all the reasons relationships fail and provides tools through which healthier intimacy can be attained.