Posted in codependency, happily ever after, Relationships

Happily Ever After: my latest book available now!

Buy it Now! 

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com
Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership presents a new model for intimate partnership along with the process for getting there. Happily Ever After recognizes that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion our relationships are doomed to fail – supporting the belief that the healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual love and support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and the outcome of this process.

Through personal narrative, informative dialogue, poetry, mindfulness practices, and creativity exercises; you will be invited to deconstruct existing and former patterns of co-dependency while building the foundation upon which you can find happiness and fulfillment within while preparing for the possibility of healthy interdependency with another – what is here called beloved partnership.  Once you are complete within yourself, you will settle for nothing less.

 

From the book’s introduction:

If you asked me to describe in one phrase what this book is about, I would say, “Jerry Maguire lies.” This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us, causing us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away resulting in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Jerry Maguire is not alone, however, in supporting the long-standing culture of co-dependency predominating the West. Traditional fairytales with their happily ever after endings are another common culprit.  While all too many have learned that happily ever after isn’t always so happy, traditional fairytales are still the foundational myths upon which we establish our hopes and dreams of intimate partnership.  The difficult truth is that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion, or basing our hopes on fairytale dreams, our relationships are doomed to fail.  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, we will never truly be satisfied and will fail in our search for a fulfilling and enduring love.  The true source of fulfillment can only come from within.

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership is based on this premise and therefore presents a different model of intimate partnership. The healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and of the process into which you will be invited.

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Testimonials from Course Participants:

I embarked on the journey of the “Happily Ever After” course, with the gifted and inspirational tour guide; Lauri Ann Lumby. This process of reflections, creative exercises and self discovery revealed the power we have within to discover our own true source of happiness, fulfillment and peace so that then we can create a foundation for a healthy, mutually loving and supportive partnership.  R. M. Oshkosh, WI

Lauri’s Happily Ever After course is an essential tool for emotional well-being. I’ve benefitted greatly by learning who I am, what my needs are, and how to prevent myself from falling back into unhealthy codependent relationships. Everyone can benefit from Lauri’s guidance. You’re going to learn so much about yourself along the way!”   K.B. Appleton, WI

I feel this course allowed me to bring even more awareness to the benefit of really being your own beloved first and foremost. With the thoughtful questions and exercises- building on chapter to chapter – it allowed patterns to be brought to the surface for awareness and healing. I also gained insight into what I am really looking for in a relationship and what I am about as a woman. This course also complimented a wonderful relationship I have with the utmost Beloved-God which only looks for what is in the best for my highest good. .No more settling!   L. J. Larsen, WI

lauricurtsie2Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATS has been known as mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife, lover, student, teacher, counselor, minister, healer, writer, poet, heretic, witch, professional shit-disturber, heretic, and blasphemer. After more than fifty years of asking the question, “Who am I?” Lauri has come to the realization that she is just plain Lauri, and that on any given day, she can be whomever she wants to be.  Lauri is the author of the Song of the Beloved – the Gospel According to Mary Magdalene, Returning – A Woman’s Midlife Journey to Herself, Authentic Freedom – Claiming a Life of Contentment and Joy and Christouch – a Christ-centered Approach to Energy Medicine through Hands-on Healing.   She is also the owner of Authentic Freedom Academy in Oshkosh, Wisconsin where she lives with her two amazing children.  You can learn more about Lauri, her professional services and workshops at www.authenticfreedomacademy.com.

Posted in codependency, Relationships

10 Characteristics of Healthy Love

10 Characteristics of Healthy Love

Leave it to Abraham Maslow to be generations ahead of the curve!  In his groundbreaking work, Toward a Psychology of Being, he perfectly articulates the difference between co-dependent love (what he refers to as “deficit love”) and interdependent love (what he calls “B-love”).  The latter, is what I believe we are evolving toward as a species and which I have been working to support in myself, my clients and students through Authentic Freedom Academy.  Co-dependent love seeks after the other to fill an emptiness one feels within.  Interdependent love arises out of two healthy and already whole individuals and by its very nature supports the fullest development of both.  As Maslow asks, “It is a real question whether the full development of the human being is possible without it” (Maslow, 1968, p. 43).

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This is how you can know if you are operating out of interdependent and healthy love:

1) Love is non-possessive: Your attitude in your love relationship is admiring rather than needy.

2) Your love grows greater over time: Love is the end rather than the means and is enjoyable by its nature.

3) Possessing qualities of a peak experience: The love you engage in is uplifting, ecstatic, unitive, pleasurable….and this is not just about sex.

4) Possessing therapeutic (healing) effects: Healthy love heals – producing hormones which stimulates physical, emotional, mental and spiritual healing.

5) More valuable, enriching, expansive than most other love relationships you witness.

6) Not directed toward gratification: Not being a need-based love, healthy love does not seek after gratification.

7) Absence of anxiety and/or hostility: While anxiety for the other may be present, there is a marked absence of anxiety (looking for needs to be met) or hostility (resentment over not getting needs met) within the relationship.

8) Interdependence: In Maslow’s exact words,

“Lovers are more independent of each other, more autonomous, less jealous or threatened, less needful, more individual, more disinterested, but also simultaneously more eager to help the other toward self-actualization, more proud of his triumphs, more altruistic, generous and fostering.” (Maslow, 1968, Toward a Psychology of Being, p. 43, New York, NY: Van Nostrand Reinhold Company)

10) Allows the other to be created: This kind of love relationship supports each partner in becoming their truest, most authentic, most fully developed self.  It supports our positive and healthy development.

 

If this is the kind of love that you seek and do not yet possess, call Lauri Ann Lumby to schedule a private session to begin working on developing the traits within yourself to support this kind of love. (920) 230-1313 or lauri@yourspiritualtruth.com.

 

 

Posted in Beloved Partnership, codependency, Relationships

Beloved Partnership? How You Can Love Me!

The purpose of my e-course Happily Ever After, is to support those who long for a new paradigm in human intimate relationship – one that is not rooted in co-dependency, as our past models have been, but one rooted, instead, in mutual respect and interdependence – the relationship I call “Beloved Partnership.”  Below is a list of how those in Beloved Partnership love each other….spoken from the perspective of the Divine Feminine, but which could just as easily be translated from the perspective of the Divine Masculine……Also know that the work outlined here is expected to be a mutual effort with both parties loving the other as they are feeling loved.

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How can you love me?……Let me count the ways:

First and foremost take time to know who I am. Not who you want me to be or the illusions of me you’ve created in your mind. If I’m not for you (or visa versa), let’s move on in mutual agreement….not waiting for each other to change or trying to change the other. Our perfect match is out there waiting….why waste our time with one who isn’t our match?

After we’ve agreed we match in the ways that are important to each other…..then and only then do I ask you to:

Spend time with me and when you do, pay attention. Be with me HERE. Listen to me. Hear what I am saying and remember it – if not the details, hear the energy and intention of it.

When you find yourself distracted by your own thoughts, worries, preoccupations, insecurities, fears, etc. take responsibility for it. Say, “I’m sorry, I lost focus, I got distracted by my own…give me a second to refocus…” Then, refocus.

Take responsibility for your own anxieties, fears and unhealed wounds and recognize when you are being triggered. Don’t blame me. Inform me so I can support you in moving through and transforming them.

Listen to what my needs are and be present as a source of support in helping me get these needs met. I’m not asking you to be my needs, but support me in getting them met.

Create with me an equal balance of shared interests and individual pursuits and where appropriate, participating in each other’s interests. I don’t need you to share everything with me…..but I enjoy when you take interest in my joys and I enjoy taking interest in yours.

Work with me in encouraging time with friends and family independent of couple time.

Encourage me in the pursuit of my dreams and support me in the things I need to cultivate these dreams. Know I will do the same for you.

Show me love through your personal love language while being attentive to mine (touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, quality time).

Speak kindly and gently to me.

Say please and thank you and say, “I love you,” often.

When you lose your patience or your temper (we’re all human after all), take it back, say you are sorry and then name what is really bothering you.

Appreciate who I am, what I do, what I bring to the world and our relationship. Express your gratitude in some OBVIOUS way. Don’t assume I know you are grateful.

Ask for my help when needed – especially when you are afraid of appearing weak for asking.

Accept my help when offered.

Show me your strength and your vulnerability. I want you to be authentic- with yourself and with me. It’s ok to be sad, scared, insecure, frustrated and angry.

Know what your needs are and communicate them to me. Let me know how I can help support you in getting them met…and then let me.

Be a person with whom I can feel safe.

Be impeccable with your word and stay true to any commitments we have agreed upon.

Put your arm around me. Cuddle me. Lay your hand on the small of my back to let me know you’re there and that we belong together. And by all means…..MAKE Sweet, toe-curling LOVE TO ME…….OFTEN!

Remember my birthday, mother’s day, our anniversary and other holidays with a card at least – dinner and/or a gift is great too!

Support me in expressing myself through my own unique style. If you don’t like what I’m wearing….keep your mouth shut and NEVER tell me I look fat!

Never finish a sentence that begins with “I know you don’t want to hear this…..” or “Don’t take this the wrong way.” A) You’re right, I don’t want to hear it and B) I am sure to take it the wrong way if you have to qualify it this way!

If I have children, love them and support me in my parenting of them.

And now……for those considering sharing a household……

If we share a household, participate equally in the needs of running a house and home, distributing tasks according to our own gifts and passions and equally tackling those tasks we both abhor.

If we share a home, create with me a space that is reflective of both our styles. I reserve the right, however, to invoke the Wisconsin Clause – relegating trophies (including hunting trophies), beer or sports signs or memorabilia to the man cave. If there isn’t one, I will help you build it!

Support me in the use of my princess card for things like changing a tire, shoveling a driveway, hauling mulch, catching bats. I’m happy to be independent and do the things I am able to do….and these acts are just chivalrous – which most women find sexy! Doing these things for me just might get you some! 😉

And….. never lose your sense of humor.  🙂

To learn more about the Happily Ever After course, click HERE.  Registration is still open.  This week’s lesson will be emailed to you upon registration.