Finding the new life on the other side of the loss.
2016 marks the end of a nine year cycle that began in 2007. For me, the theme of this cycle has been about endings – specifically, the end of my marriage and the end of my relationship with the Catholic Church. Of course, both relationships will never truly be over as there are blood ties to both, but the process of the past nine years has been typical of the grieving process we must all face with every death/ending. I have felt shock, denial, bargaining, depression, anger, hatred, fear and deep, deep, bone-deep/soul-deep sadness. I have wandered back and forth between all faces of grief, finding my way through the losses, hoping and trusting (sometimes only hoping and pleading) that the excruciating pain was leading me toward some new life that I did not yet know, but is always promised on the other side of loss (if we believe the Easter promise).
To say these losses were excruciating would be an understatement. Both completely shattered and put into question what I believed my purpose to be on this planet. I was certain that when I married it would be forever (ahhhh the naiveté of youth!). I also believed that I would be forever content working in the Catholic Church and that the Church valued my gifts and the call that came with those gifts. (hah!).
But then, I woke up. I woke up to the illusion of my marriage and my illusion of the Catholic Church. I woke up, and it all began to fall apart. Not because my former husband was in the wrong, not because the Church was wrong, but because I discovered what was right for me. I saw the truth and could not bear living with the lie. So, my relationship with both had to go. And I can tell you this was the hardest letting go I have ever had to do. But, this was only the beginning.
As I let go of one illusion, and then two, many, many, many more presented themselves and implored me for their release. The last two years, in particular, has been characterized by a letting go, the likes of which I have never known. EVERTHING I thought I knew about myself, everything I had attached myself to, everything I hoped and dreamed of for myself and my children, EVERYTHING had to go. Or rather, I had to be willing to let it go. So I did….but not without some resistance. And when I found myself clinging, the Universe made damn sure I let go, even if what I was clinging to had to be pried from my cold, dead, fingers.
As the end of this nine year cycle approaches I am conscious of all that I have let go and out of the debris of loss, a new life appears to be coming forth. It is a new life that I could never have imagined when this cycle started nine lifetimes ago. This new life is as simple as it is profound – it is a new life defined by and recognized by one thing….and that is LOVE.
Out of the fear, the worry, anxiousness, hatred, rage, the desire for karmic retribution and some sort of Divine justice, deep bone chilling sadness, emptiness, loneliness, depression and all the ways I desperately wanted to wish and bargain it all away, LOVE is coming forth. Love of myself for who I am. Love of the journey that brought me here. Love for those who played their role with such perfection. Love of all the ways in which I have grown and healed, and become a better version of myself because of the loss and all the ways in which I supported myself (and allowed myself to receive support) through this loss. LOVE.
But not simply love as an inner experience or quality – LOVE as my own purpose and superpower! Because if there is one thing I have learned through this nine year cycle, every single time I wanted to hate, every time I wanted revenge, every time I wanted to harbor anger and resentment, my SOUL would not let me. And oh, believe me, I have tried. Over and over and over again, I was led to learn that LOVE was the only answer to all the pain. LOVE was the only answer to my own desire to separate. LOVE was the only remedy to my own inner sense of separation and the only path to FREEDOM. If I truly wanted to be free, I had no other choice but to love – even when all I wanted to do was hate. So love it was, love it is, and love it has become.
And now as I sit with this awareness of LOVE as the new life that came forth from two life-altering losses, and as this nine year comes to an end and we enter into a “10” year – a year of new beginnings, I wonder what else love will have me do.
Authentic Freedom is the process that I developed and then used to support myself through my waking up and the resulting loss. Learn more about the Authentic Freedom Mastery Program through this FREE preview course. Click on the icon below to register: