I find myself moving through an incredibly deep transformation. I am taking a risk and sharing this with vulnerability and transparency in the event it might speak to you on some level.
I have to say that transformation is not quite the right word for what I feel is happening. It is more like an unfolding….or a remembering…..or perhaps a reclaiming. In this it feels as if I am birthing a new world for me and through me. (if the bloated feeling in my belly is any indication, this new world is ENORMOUS J ).
In this unfolding/birthing, I am coming more and more in contact with this plain and simple truth:
I was not made for the 3d world.
What do I mean by that? I mean that none of the things that are valued in our externally focused world have value to me:
Money, fame, power, status, material possessions, driving, striving, achieving.
None of it.
As it relates to relationship: I am not looking for someone to complete me. Neither am I interested in partnership simply for the sake of having an “other,” or to fill a void because I’m afraid of or uncomfortable with being alone. What the 3d world offers in the way of relationship is simply not for me – there is something bigger and better that has been planted in my Soul and I will settle for nothing less.
In short, I have never felt at home in a world that values the externals and pressures us to seek after something “out there” for fulfillment. Neither have I felt at home with all the things we are expected to “do” to achieve these external goals.
The goals of this world are not my goals, and I’m tired from 54 years of trying to fit into a world or find acceptance in a world where I do not belong.
I often feel like I came here from somewhere else and someone forgot to pack my survival suit. But more importantly (or perhaps more accurately):
I sometimes wonder if I’m here – not to fit into this world but to birth something new in its place – if not for the world, at the very least for myself. Because if there is one thing I do know it is that birthing a new world begins by birthing a new world for ourselves. Others can play along if they want to – but that is up to them. The other truth is that the only thing that truly matters is what we do for ourselves. If we can’t do it for ourselves, then 1) how can we expect others to and 2) if not for our own work, how will others know what is truly possible?
So here’s the crazy idea……if I could birth any kind of world through me, if I could live in any kind of world, what would it look like?
For me, this world begins with my Divine calling. (and maybe birthing this world IS my calling).
I have come to understand that my Divine mission and calling is LOVE and that there are many ways in which I live out that calling.
- Just by being me. I see this most when I am “out and about” – going to yoga, grocery shopping, running errands, picking up my daily coffee at the New Moon. I smile and am kind to the people I meet. I strike up friendly conversations when appropriate. I perform little niceties like bringing a local business owner a cup of coffee “just because” and sharing posts and endorsements about local businesses when I have a chance. I have seen evidence that just being me has a positive impact on the people I meet.
- Being a Mother. That part is easy. My kids are amazing and all I had to do is love them, see them for who they are and support them in being that. I feel like the luckiest mom on the planet to have been given two such amazing humans to love and I am more and more in awe of them every single day!
- The public stuff. My website, blog, books, online classes, etc. All of this is me being me and sharing my gifts in the world.
- The secret stuff. This is the piece that is becoming more and more apparent and more and more urgent and persistent. My daily meditation practice – that’s obvious. What’s not obvious is the deeply healing and transformational work I have been doing for the world – but for which I have not given myself ANY credit. This is the work that takes me off my feet and sometimes lays me out. Those days where I am feeling and bearing the weight of the world – not because I’m thinking about it, but because it has made a home in me. The days my whole body hurts, my ears are ringing and I’m dizzy from what in the world is asking to be transformed through me. The unexplained migraines, full body pain, emotions that are not my own, fatigue, exhaustion….the list of symptoms goes on and on and one but there is one thing that has become increasingly clear:
There is no medical reason for the symptoms I am experiencing. This is the YUK of the world seeking healing, transformation and release; and I am one of those called to support that healing. If you are reading this, you might be one as well.
Birthing this new world for and through myself means honoring who I am called to be and what I am called to do as holy, sacred and of value and creating the space in which all of this can be. This will be no small task as the 3d world has no space for any of what I am bringing forth. It is for this reason that it feels to me as if I am birthing a new world – to bring forth who I am and what I am called to do, there needs to be a world to receive and support that. It seems that as I am called to more fully birth myself I am also birthing the world in which I fit.