Posted in codependency, detachment

The Prophet’s Curse – Why Caring is Dangerous

As a prophet, we see too much, hear too much, feel too much and know too much.  We see the truth behind the veil and the face you hide behind your mask.  We see the truth beyond the illusion.  We recognize and see the sign of the times.  In our ability to see we are able to “predict” where things are going and the likely outcome if things continue on their current trajectory.  We are able to hear the truth beyond the words and it is difficult for us to be deceived.  You might not know your own truth, but for those with the gift of prophecy, we hear it. Even if you are in denial of your own truth, we know it.  In addition to all this seeing, hearing and knowing, we FEEL you!  We feel what you are feeling – your anxiety, your fears, your worry and concern, all the shame, past traumas and wounds that keep you imprisoned in the current patterns of your life.

The purpose for the prophet in possessing all of these gifts is so that we might be a source of support for those who desire the gift of healing that comes with our gift. For those who are interested in being free of past traumas, shame, woundedness and the unacknowledged fears that keep them small; and for those who are willing to do the difficult work of healing their soul, the prophet’s gifts are wholeheartedly welcome and received and the prophet’s purpose is fulfilled in the exchange.  As prophets, when this happens we are able to live fully from the love that ultimately drives our gifts and our desire to be of service to the world.  More than anything else, the prophet is one who deeply cares about the wellbeing of the world and the people in it.  Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to receive our gifts.  This is where caring becomes dangerous…..

 

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Posted in codependency, Jesus, Lessons

We Can Only Save Ourselves!

The deeper we move into our inner spiritual work, the more we become aware of the subtle temptations of the ego – especially those we would never have thought of as ego-attachments because our cultural conditioning tells us these are good and benevolent traits. For me, this has come more and more fully to light over the past 10 days – a time that has been deeply transformational albeit painful. The ego-attachment that presented itself to me (which admittedly has been presenting itself over the past many years in all its many guises) is that of SAVIOR.

What has hit me upside the head in the most painful and glorious way is the long-standing pattern within me of wanting to and believing I was capable of changing the world (or for that matter, changing anything or anyone around me.). I falsely believed that partially by my efforts, the world would/could become a kinder, gentler place. You know, kinda like Jesus. But the trick is that even Jesus was unable to change the world. By Jesus’ efforts, the world did not become kinder or gentler. Some might even argue that because of the acts done in Jesus’ name, the world became more violent. If the so-called savior of the Christian religion was unable to change a broken world, how could I believe my efforts would prove any more fruitful? As it turns out, they have not.

The threads of this savior-complex in me are long and deep. They reach back across time and generations and are tangled and intertwined with centuries of societal conditioning – the deception that says, “humanity can be saved and it’s your job to do it.” For 53 year I have believed this lie and given my heart and my soul to trying to “save” the people around me while also trying to save the world. I wholly admit that part of (maybe all of) my need to “save” is a projection of constantly feeling unsafe in this violent and fearful world. Instead of finding a way to make myself feel safe, I have turned my efforts outward. Ignoring my own safety needs, I have tried to save (help) others. Time and time and time again this has ended in failure.

As it turns out, it is not my job to save others. It is my job to save myself. I think of this in terms of The Titanic: “If the ship is sinking, the only one you can save is yourself.” (Unless you’re a mother with children, then you definitely risk your own life to save theirs.)

Coming to this awareness, confronting it and letting this attachment go has been excruciating. I’ve raged. I’ve wept. I’ve felt paralyzed by grief. At the same time, a profound liberation is taking place. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO SAVE THE WORLD! And I cannot help those who are unwilling to help themselves. All I can do is uncover what I need to feel safe, fulfilled, joyful, supported and loved in an otherwise broken and violent world, and bring these things into my life (including all the resources and tools I share here). In making and allowing this choice this is what I’ve discovered:

Freed of the burden of savior, space is made available for pure enjoyment, true freedom, and abundant and fulfilling love. Here, I AM enough!

Posted in codependency

Five Steps toward Healing Co-Dependency

Co-dependency has been defined in many ways. At the most basic level, co-dependency is based on the false premise that it is our job to make other people happy and that if we do not, they will no longer love us. After our spiritual awakening and as we move toward self-actualization, we come to recognize the patterns of co-dependency that are prevalent in our lives and are invited to heal these patterns.

co-dependency, spiritual healing, self-actualization, boundaries, healthy boundaries,

Identifying Co-Dependency
There are a wide range of behaviors that fit within the cycle of co-dependency and we are all affected in different ways proportionate to our conditioning. Below are a few examples of co-dependent behaviors and attitudes. Healing begins by identifying what of these behaviors are present within us:
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the happiness of others.
• Taking care of the needs of others before taking care of ourselves.
• A tendency to do more than our share, all of the time.
• A sense of guilt when asserting ourselves.
• Difficulty in setting boundaries.
• A disproportionate need for approval and recognition.

Recognizing the Causes of Co-Dependency
After identifying patterns of co-dependency, it is often helpful to understand what causes these behaviors. First and foremost is the understanding that co-dependency is learned. We are not born co-dependent, it is a pattern of behavior that is taught to us by our culture first, then our parents, teachers, ministers and peers. We are trained to be co-dependent by the societal expectations that it is our job to make other people happy, that somehow their unhappiness is our fault, and that another person’s needs are of more value than our own. From the perspective of spiritual healing, the root cause of co-dependency is the false believe that love exists outside of us and that we have to earn this love and that if we do not make others (mom, dad, God, our teachers, etc.) happy that they will withdraw their love from us.

Co-Dependency Takes Two
Co-dependency always happens between two (or more) people. There is the “triggerer” and the “triggered.” The triggerer acts in a way that tugs at another, prompting them to react to the other person’s actions. An example might be a partner who reacts in violent ways to not getting their way – perhaps a project they are working on isn’t going their way and they start screaming and yelling out of frustration. The triggered then reacts – running to the “rescue” of the triggerer, in attempt to “fix it” so their partner can be happy. Another example might be a peer who remarks negatively about the way you dress which prompts you to change your whole style in an attempt to gain that peer’s approval.

Acknowledge When We Are Triggered
The triggering that drives us toward co-dependent behaviors is subtle. In the early stages of healing from co-dependency, this triggering is often unrecognizable. We don’t see it because it is so familiar. The cycle of co-dependency has become a part of how we function. Healing co-dependency requires that we recognize when we are triggered to reach out to another in an effort to make them happy or to gain approval. For many, this “reaching out” is experienced in a very physical way, such as in a sensation in the center of one’s gut that feels like energy pulling at and away from them. Others might feel it as a constriction in the neck or shoulder muscles. The way the trigger is experienced is unique from individual to individual and the path to healing co-dependency begins by identifying how these sensations are felt in our own bodies and then acknowledging when these sensations are being triggered.

Standing in Your Own Power
When we feel the physical sensation of being triggered, the next step is to STOP that energy from leaving our body and pulling us toward the person we are tempted to “make happy.” This step is the sheer force of will that allows us to STAY PUT instead of running to another’s rescue or after another person’s approval. Standing in our own power also helps us to recognize that we are not the cause of another person’s unhappiness. One practice that has proven helpful is the mantra, “It’s their stuff, not mine.” When we feel triggered by another’s behavior, instead of following the thread of co-dependency, we stand still, holding our energy into ourselves while chanting this mantra. This helps us to put a halt to this pattern of co-dependency, leaving the other party responsible for their own happiness – where this responsibility lies in the first place.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat
The above are five steps toward healing co-dependency. To truly be free of this conditioned behavior, we have to follow the above steps over and over and over again. As in all things, practice makes perfect and the more we tend to our own journey of healing co-dependency, the more we are truly free of these debilitating practices.

For further support in healing from co-dependency, consider a private session with Lauri Ann Lumby. Email lauri@authenticfreedom.love to schedule your session. Also check out Lauri’s book Happily Ever After – The Transformational Journey from “you complete me” to Beloved Partnership. Available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.

Posted in addictions, Authentic Freedom, Boundaries, codependency, detachment, Empowerment, Healing

Heal Yourselves! Lessons on Detachment

It is said, “The good Lord helps those who help themselves.”

The key here is “help themselves.” The Lord (or whatever name you give to the transcendent aspect of the Divine that is said to be a source of guidance and support) cannot help those who refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, their own patterns of dysfunctional behavior, their own woundedness and their own fears.

The same can be said for us. When we reach out as a source of loving support for others, we can only help those who are willing to help themselves.  We cannot help those who are unable or unwilling to identify their own patterns of dysfunctional or compulsive behaviors (including behaviors of gluttony, addiction, victimhood, martyrdom, rage, power and control, envy or jealousy, sloth or pride); and we cannot help those who are unwilling to do the work of identifying the unhealed woundedness or fears that are in fact the cause of their dysfunctional behaviors and the unfortunate life situations their behaviors get them into.

What we can do is provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. We can be a presence of unconditional abiding love.  We can educate, inform and direct them toward resources that might help them (including ourselves if we have the proper resources).  The rest is up to them.

As it is also said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”

Whether or not those we hope to help refuse to drink from the well of support we lead them to is completely out of our control. Even if we could make them “drink” that doesn’t mean they will actually do the hard and often painful work of taking responsibility for what ails them.  This is where the subtle and necessary practice of detachment comes in. When we have offered all we are able in the form of guidance and support and when those we hope to help refuse to help themselves, there is nothing left for us to do but walk away.  For the sake of our own wellbeing, we cannot allow ourselves to take another person’s decisions personally; neither can we lose a minute of sleep over it.  As one teacher says, “their decisions are none of my business.”  Detachment is the ability to be a loving source of support while also having no attachment to what the other person decides to do with our offer of support. If they receive the support and take appropriate action, then they are well on their way to healing.  If they refuse the support and continue in their dysfunction, it is now on them.

As the Lord helps those who help themselves, it is also true for us. We can only help those who are willing to help themselves.

The Authentic Freedom Mastery Course empowers us with the ability to identify our gifts, along with our compulsive and dysfunctional patters of behavior and then provides tools for helping us to heal these patterns ourselves.  Learn more by clicking the image below:

 

Posted in About Lauri, Beloved Partnership, codependency, happily ever after, Mary Magdalene, Relationships

My Secret Pain – the Call of Beloved Partnership

It is said that “the truth shall set you free.” I have continued to find this to be true.  But knowing that in expressing our truth we shall find freedom and actually expressing our truth are two different things, especially when expressing those truths leaves you naked and vulnerable in the face of an often cold and cruel world.  But, it is also said, “No pain, no gain.”  So……here goes.

I have a truth that I have carefully guarded and kept very close to my heart, revealing this secret to only a select few. The truth is that I am called to Beloved Partnership.

Click on the image above to read about Mary Magdalene and the call to Beloved Partnership.

What I have come to understand is that being called to Beloved Partnership is a Divine calling and one that cannot be fulfilled until we are reunited with our other half. Being a Beloved Partner differs from co-dependency in that it is not about looking for someone to complete us.  Instead, it is about a shared energy that compels both to seek after their own wholeness, spiritually igniting each other in mutual and shared growth until they reach the point when they are meant to come together in Divine and Holy Partnership – the kind of partnership that is Divinely ordained and which no one can tear asunder.

I am a Beloved Partner and on some level, I have known this my whole life. Since my earliest memory, I have known what my Beloved feels like.  I have felt/known his presence around me.  I have heard him calling me and have experienced the promise of our union.  I have looked for him and thought I had found him in others, only and always learning that “this is not him.”  (That is not to say there hasn’t been value in all the relationships that in the end proved not to be my Twin.)

Until 2004-ish, my Beloved has only been known to me in the energy of promise and potential. I had an idea in my head and a sense of what should be, but nothing concrete to base it on.  Then came the vision that CHANGED MY LIFE.  In short – I SAW HIM!  I saw him and I felt him.  More importantly, I experienced what it feels like to be in his presence and to have him look into my eyes.  The experience was one of pure adoration and love – the likes of which I had never experienced before.

For 13 years, I have carried this experience with me, allowing it to guide and direct my life. It started with looking for this love outside of me.  When these efforts proved fruitless, I sought this love in God which then brought me into myself.  I have diligently tended to the unhealed wounds and unacknowledged fears within me that have been blocking my ability to know the love that I am as a child of the Divine – all the while feeling and knowing the presence of “My Beloved” in this journey with me.

Doesn’t that sound lovely? I see/feel the experience of being adored.  It compels me on a profound journey of personal growth.  It helps to lead me in the direction of my life purpose.  But….the truth is that the journey of Beloved Partnership SUCKS!  It sucks BAD….and here’s why.

Think of it this way. How many people do you know who are happy and content in a “just ok” relationship because it feels safe, secure, known, etc.  Alternatively, how many people do you know who are happy just dating and sleeping around – enjoying the play of a casual relationship without any of the responsibility?  Beloved Partners cannot do any of these thing!  None of these paths have been an option for me and when I have tried, I have gotten my ass handed to me.  With the calling of a Beloved Partnership, I have learned I can be content with nothing but this.

Here then is the rub: For one called to Beloved Partnership, until that partnership is realized, there will always be a feeling of discontent, a deep feeling that there is something very wrong with our lives, and our Divine calling will not be completely fulfilled.  When the Divine calling is not fulfilled, we are left with a nagging feeling of frustration, impatience, even anger and resentment of that something that is missing from our lives.

Here is the other rub: there is literally NOTHING we can do about what is “wrong” with our lives.  Oh yes, there are all kinds of books and courses on how to “call in the one,” but in my experience none of these work.  Yes, we can prepare a space for our Beloved.  Yes, we can do the critical work of healing our woundedness and becoming whole within ourselves.  We can go out there and try on different relationship experiences.  But at the end of the day, the arrival of our Beloved, as it is Divine ordained, is simply a matter of Divine timing.  In the meantime, we are left with an aching pain of vacancy in the center of our Soul where the knowledge of our calling to Beloved Partnership resides, along with the pain of knowing that until we are united there will be a critical part of our Soul’s purpose that cannot be fulfilled.

While there is nothing we can do to make reunion with our Beloved happen, we can create a space in our lives by working on our own journey toward wholeness. My book, Happily Ever After, is one resource to help support you in this task. 

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

 

 

Posted in codependency, happily ever after, Relationships

The Number One Reason Relationships Fail

In the twenty-plus years I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have identified the number one reason relationships fail:

Looking for the other person to complete us.

 

Co-Dependency

In the recovery world, co-dependency is limited to addictive/compulsive patterns of enabling.  Here, co-dependency is expanded to include any behaviors, attitudes and relationship dynamics which are rooted in the search for another person to complete us.  Co-dependency arises out of a deep inner longing that says, “I am not enough,” making us feel incomplete, fractured and fragmented.  In an effort to quell this longing, we look for “the other” who will complete us.  We find someone who we believe might complete us, and for a time (as long as we are in the infatuation stage of the relationship), they might.  Eventually, however, the longing returns (because we never healed the true source of the longing), the fantasies we have created about our partner fall and we begin to see them for who they really are – fractured and imperfect just like we are.  Resentment sets in and trouble begins.

 

Search for the Other vs. Search for Ourselves

When we are searching outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, it is because we do not know ourselves.  The longing that drives this search for “the other” in reality, has nothing to do with “the other.” Instead, this longing is really the longing to know ourselves.  Until we know otherwise, or until the bottom falls out (whichever comes first), the longing to know ourselves disguises itself in the longing for another to complete us.  We are never fulfilled in our relationships, however, until we turn this longing for “the other” inward and start doing the work of coming to know ourselves.  In coming to know ourselves, we discover our own unique gifts, our passions, what gives us joy and makes us feel complete – WITHIN OURSELVES.  When we know ourselves, we no longer look for someone to complete us, instead, we wait for another complete person with whom we can enjoy the journey of life in a mutually supportive, interdependent relationship where both are honored as sacred and holy and where the two work together to support the needs of each other in service to the betterment of the world.

For support in moving away from patterns of co-dependency, looking for another to complete you, check out my new book:

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com
Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

 

 

Posted in codependency, happily ever after, Relationships

Happily Ever After: my latest book available now!

Buy it Now! 

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com
Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.com

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership presents a new model for intimate partnership along with the process for getting there. Happily Ever After recognizes that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion our relationships are doomed to fail – supporting the belief that the healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual love and support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and the outcome of this process.

Through personal narrative, informative dialogue, poetry, mindfulness practices, and creativity exercises; you will be invited to deconstruct existing and former patterns of co-dependency while building the foundation upon which you can find happiness and fulfillment within while preparing for the possibility of healthy interdependency with another – what is here called beloved partnership.  Once you are complete within yourself, you will settle for nothing less.

 

From the book’s introduction:

If you asked me to describe in one phrase what this book is about, I would say, “Jerry Maguire lies.” This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us, causing us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away resulting in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Jerry Maguire is not alone, however, in supporting the long-standing culture of co-dependency predominating the West. Traditional fairytales with their happily ever after endings are another common culprit.  While all too many have learned that happily ever after isn’t always so happy, traditional fairytales are still the foundational myths upon which we establish our hopes and dreams of intimate partnership.  The difficult truth is that as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for completion, or basing our hopes on fairytale dreams, our relationships are doomed to fail.  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, we will never truly be satisfied and will fail in our search for a fulfilling and enduring love.  The true source of fulfillment can only come from within.

Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to Beloved Partnership is based on this premise and therefore presents a different model of intimate partnership. The healthy, fulfilling and enduring love we all long for is built upon the foundation of two individuals who are complete within themselves and who have chosen to come together as equals in mutual support.  Interdependence, rather than co-dependency is the goal of this book and of the process into which you will be invited.

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Testimonials from Course Participants:

I embarked on the journey of the “Happily Ever After” course, with the gifted and inspirational tour guide; Lauri Ann Lumby. This process of reflections, creative exercises and self discovery revealed the power we have within to discover our own true source of happiness, fulfillment and peace so that then we can create a foundation for a healthy, mutually loving and supportive partnership.  R. M. Oshkosh, WI

Lauri’s Happily Ever After course is an essential tool for emotional well-being. I’ve benefitted greatly by learning who I am, what my needs are, and how to prevent myself from falling back into unhealthy codependent relationships. Everyone can benefit from Lauri’s guidance. You’re going to learn so much about yourself along the way!”   K.B. Appleton, WI

I feel this course allowed me to bring even more awareness to the benefit of really being your own beloved first and foremost. With the thoughtful questions and exercises- building on chapter to chapter – it allowed patterns to be brought to the surface for awareness and healing. I also gained insight into what I am really looking for in a relationship and what I am about as a woman. This course also complimented a wonderful relationship I have with the utmost Beloved-God which only looks for what is in the best for my highest good. .No more settling!   L. J. Larsen, WI

lauricurtsie2Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATS has been known as mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife, lover, student, teacher, counselor, minister, healer, writer, poet, heretic, witch, professional shit-disturber, heretic, and blasphemer. After more than fifty years of asking the question, “Who am I?” Lauri has come to the realization that she is just plain Lauri, and that on any given day, she can be whomever she wants to be.  Lauri is the author of the Song of the Beloved – the Gospel According to Mary Magdalene, Returning – A Woman’s Midlife Journey to Herself, Authentic Freedom – Claiming a Life of Contentment and Joy and Christouch – a Christ-centered Approach to Energy Medicine through Hands-on Healing.   She is also the owner of Authentic Freedom Academy in Oshkosh, Wisconsin where she lives with her two amazing children.  You can learn more about Lauri, her professional services and workshops at www.authenticfreedomacademy.com.

Posted in Authentic Freedom, codependency, Empowerment, grief, Healing, Lessons, Spiritual Formation

My Purpose is Love

Finding the new life on the other side of the loss.

authenticfreedomheartblank

2016 marks the end of a nine year cycle that began in 2007. For me, the theme of this cycle has been about endings – specifically, the end of my marriage and the end of my relationship with the Catholic Church.  Of course, both relationships will never truly be over as there are blood ties to both, but the process of the past nine years has been typical of the grieving process we must all face with every death/ending.  I have felt shock, denial, bargaining, depression, anger, hatred, fear and deep, deep, bone-deep/soul-deep sadness.  I have wandered back and forth between all faces of grief, finding my way through the losses, hoping and trusting (sometimes only hoping and pleading) that the excruciating pain was leading me toward some new life that I did not yet know, but is always promised on the other side of loss (if we believe the Easter promise).

To say these losses were excruciating would be an understatement. Both completely shattered and put into question what I believed my purpose to be on this planet.  I was certain that when I married it would be forever (ahhhh the naiveté of youth!).  I also believed that I would be forever content working in the Catholic Church and that the Church valued my gifts and the call that came with those gifts.  (hah!).

But then, I woke up. I woke up to the illusion of my marriage and my illusion of the Catholic Church.  I woke up, and it all began to fall apart.  Not because my former husband was in the wrong, not because the Church was wrong, but because I discovered what was right for me.  I saw the truth and could not bear living with the lie.  So, my relationship with both had to go.  And I can tell you this was the hardest letting go I have ever had to do.  But, this was only the beginning.

As I let go of one illusion, and then two, many, many, many more presented themselves and implored me for their release. The last two years, in particular, has been characterized by a letting go, the likes of which I have never known.  EVERTHING I thought I knew about myself, everything I had attached myself to, everything I hoped and dreamed of for myself and my children, EVERYTHING had to go.  Or rather, I had to be willing to let it go.  So I did….but not without some resistance.  And when I found myself clinging, the Universe made damn sure I let go, even if what I was clinging to had to be pried from my cold, dead, fingers.

As the end of this nine year cycle approaches I am conscious of all that I have let go and out of the debris of loss, a new life appears to be coming forth. It is a new life that I could never have imagined when this cycle started nine lifetimes ago.  This new life is as simple as it is profound – it is a new life defined by and recognized by one thing….and that is LOVE.

Out of the fear, the worry, anxiousness, hatred, rage, the desire for karmic retribution and some sort of Divine justice, deep bone chilling sadness, emptiness, loneliness, depression and all the ways I desperately wanted to wish and bargain it all away, LOVE is coming forth. Love of myself for who I am.  Love of the journey that brought me here.  Love for those who played their role with such perfection.  Love of all the ways in which I have grown and healed, and become a better version of myself because of the loss and all the ways in which I supported myself (and allowed myself to receive support) through this loss.  LOVE.

But not simply love as an inner experience or quality – LOVE as my own purpose and superpower! Because if there is one thing I have learned through this nine year cycle, every single time I wanted to hate, every time I wanted revenge, every time I wanted to harbor anger and resentment, my SOUL would not let me.  And oh, believe me, I have tried.  Over and over and over again, I was led to learn that LOVE was the only answer to all the pain.  LOVE was the only answer to my own desire to separate.  LOVE was the only remedy to my own inner sense of separation and the only path to FREEDOM.  If I truly wanted to be free, I had no other choice but to love – even when all I wanted to do was hate.  So love it was, love it is, and love it has become.

And now as I sit with this awareness of LOVE as the new life that came forth from two life-altering losses, and as this nine year comes to an end and we enter into a “10” year – a year of new beginnings, I wonder what else love will have me do.

Authentic Freedom is the process that I developed and then used to support myself through my waking up and the resulting loss.  Learn more about the Authentic Freedom Mastery Program through this FREE preview course.  Click on the icon below to register:

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Posted in addictions, Authentic Freedom, Authentic Freedom Academy, Being Human, codependency, Death, Empowerment

Power in Our Aloneness

The greatest fear in the human experience is not death, neither is it public speaking.  The greatest fear in the human experience is that we are alone – really, truly, alone; and in this aloneness, life has no meaning and no purpose.  This is our greatest fear because it is also our greatest truth.  At the end of the day, we are really, truly alone.  Death brings us face to face with this absolute truth.  When we release our final breath, there is no one – only ourselves and our hope that there is another to take us home – and the fear that this “other” is simply a lie we have told ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

aloneman-pexel

Day in and day out, this fear that we are alone, haunts us. While we may not acknowledge that this is the fear haunting us, or that we have any fear at all, believe me, it is there.  It is there is our restlessness, our boredom, our short attention spans, our search for something “out there” that will make us happy.  It is in our “retail therapy.” It is in our social media searching and trolling.  It is in our cultural addiction with reality TV (including the clown show that has become our election process).  It is in our food, alcohol, tobacco, drug addictions.  It is present in every single situation and experience where we think something “out there” will fulfill us and in the relentless search for that “something.” This fear that we are alone is in our longing and yearning for “the other” who will complete us – even when that “other” is given the name of “God.”

We spend nearly every minute of every day avoiding our fear of this aloneness by chasing after “that which we cannot name.” We are sure if we keep chasing we will eventually find it.  It’s in that check we’ve been waiting for, the mysterious windfall, the lottery jackpot.  It’s in the elusive soulmate who will bring perfection to our lives.  It is in the next great car, the bigger home, the job with the bigger paycheck.  It is in the victory of our chosen political candidate.

But guess what? The fear of being alone is NOT remedied through any of the above, because THERE IS NO CURE for our fear of being alone.  This fear is the consequence of the human condition and a fear we will always intimately know.

We came here to have a unique and individual experience which by its nature means we are separate and alone. Within this choice also exists the knowledge of our true nature – of a time before we chose separation.  It is the knowledge of our true nature that causes us to feel alone while at the same time it is calling us home.  It is an ache that will never cease as long as we continue being human.  While there is no remedy to the fear of being alone, there is an answer to all the relentless searching and avoiding we do by searching.  The answer is to stop running from this fear.  Stop looking “out there” for something that will fill the eternal vacancy inside.  The only way to calm (not remedy) this fear, is to BE WITH IT.

Being with our fear of being alone means just that. Be with it.  Turn away from all the external searching and turn within.  Go deep into our hearts where this longing resides.  Move past the ego attachments to fame, status, money, power, success and achievement. Move beyond the need to be right and for others to be wrong. Move past the restlessness, boredom, loneliness, impatience, and anxiousness.  Move past anxiety, depression and despair.  Beneath all of it is the DEEP ACHE, the indelible pain, the vivid realization that we are alone.  SIT with this fear.  Sit with this awareness.  Sit with the excruciating discomfort.  Simply be with all this pain is, has to say, and feels like for you.  FEEL IT.  Revel in it.  Bathe in it.  Know it to be a deeply intimate, true and cherished part of who you are.  KNOW that this ache is your Soul calling you home – NOT home to some “heavenly abode.”  Home to YOURSELF.  It is here in the deep well of your aloneness that you will find yourself.  And here, you will find your power.

 

The Authentic Freedom Mastery Program provides tools to help us navigate the fears of the human condition, moving us from fear into a deep and abiding love. Learn more about the Authentic Freedom Mastery Program HERE.  Check out the FREE preview course to see if Authentic Freedom is for you.

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Posted in Beloved Partnership, codependency, men, Relationships, women

The Plight of the Modern Woman in Search for the Modern Man

To all my magnificent single sisters: This one’s for you! 

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The Plight of the Modern Woman in Search for the Modern Man

Intelligent, independent, courageous and strong,

Beautiful, generous, thoughtful and kind.

Laughing with you over the Holy Grail.

Speaking your language of Tarantino, fantasy, adventure and sci-fi.

Tossing down pints and whiskey shots.

Cursing like a sailor.

And beneath it all, a quiet and tender heart

Where your fears can come home.

She’ll cook you dinner, rub your shoulders,

And make mad, passionate love to you,

freeing your mind from the worries of the day.

She’s the one you can come home to –

The one you can trust.

Satisfied in her own pursuits,

Seeking only to love and to know love in return.

How could you want for more?

And yet, she strikes fear in the hearts of many a man,

Because while she wants you more than anything in this world,

She’s not seeking completion from one who feels empty inside.

She’s looking for a true partner.

One who can stand on his own

And who in spite of his wholeness,

Chooses to be with her

Because together

They can change the world.

copyright 2016  Lauri Ann Lumby

From "you complete me" to Beloved Partnership (within ourselves and in preparation for with another).
From “you complete me” to Beloved Partnership (within ourselves and in preparation for with another).