My whole life I have been restless – longing and searching for more. Typically, that “more” meant something other than what I was currently experiencing. My mom recently reminded me that I was always looking for that next opportunity, next goal, next degree, next job, next relationship. I was rarely, if ever, satisfied with what was right in front of me, I was always looking for that “something new” that must be right around the corner. This searching did not arise out of boredom with the status quo – in fact, as one who thrives on order and routine, status quo has always provided me with a sense of comfort. But still, my heart was restless. Where was that satisfaction that my Soul longed for and relentlessly searched after?
The good news is that my searching has not been in vain. Everything I have explored, searched after, studied, discerned, discarded or applied has been food for the searching. Every place I landed (albeit temporarily) showed me a part of my Soul and provided me with tools which have proven, not only helpful but life-giving in the great search. What I had begun to suspect a few years back and which I have now come to understand fully, it was not anything outside of me for which I was searching.
This whole entire time I was only searching for one thing and that one thing is MYSELF.
Lauri Ann Lumby. Thriving in order and routine. An Introvert who likes people and who cherishes intimate friendships. Creative yet also logical and reasoning. Outwardly appearing aloof while harboring deep, deep, deep feelings. Highly, highly, highly intuitive (some might even suggest psychic). Hungry for knowledge – specifically of a spiritual nature. Enjoys a quiet, gentle, ease-filled flow to life. Repelled by conflict or competition. Enforcing hard-core boundaries for the sake of self-care. Recoils from entanglements and anything smelling of co-dependency or manipulation. A vessel of kindness and support, insight and wisdom. Yearning for a world where we can all just get along and where people can remember that we are all one.
This is me. I have also learned (something I’ve actually known all along) that knowing myself isn’t enough. What this search has also led me to understand is what MYSELF needs to thrive. It is not and has never been what our culture keeps trying to sell us – work hard, get a job, make lots of money, buy lots of things, invest your money, save your money, buy cool things with your money, be famous. You can imagine the inner conflict I’ve been feeling all these years with the world and my Soul constantly fighting for my attention.
No more. Now I get it and I am living it. I have set down my conditioned desire for wealth, power, fame and success (as it is defined in our capitalistic culture). Instead, I am embracing what my Soul needs – a monastic kind of life. But what does that mean in 2019 for a 54 year old divorced mother of two? The answer to this question has come from living INTO the question – asking my Soul what it needs from moment to moment and doing my best to deliver.
Yesterday, I had the perfect monastic kind of day – one that filled my Soul! It looked like this:
- 6 am wake up.
- Breakfast and coffee
- Check emails and Facebook for messages.
- Upload two additional lessons to my Order of Melchizedek Level 6 training.
- Make a healthy, nourishing lunch.
- Get a massage.
- Come home, do dishes and clean for my evening class.
- Draw some more while enjoying coffee and a few Fig cookies.
- Eat a light dinner.
- Prep my class.
- Transfer money from my Paypal account (yay….I love getting paid to “do nothing”) into my checking.
- Pay a couple bills.
- Meditate for 20 minutes
- Welcome my guests for a 6:30 class.
- Watch Dark Crystal on Netflix while enjoying a glass of wine.
- 9:00 bedtime.
Easy day. Easy flow. The perfect blend of being and doing and only “doing” that which came forth out of my being. Hurray!
Today is much of the same. The only difference will be grocery shopping, a stop at the bank and my job at the ballet studio (chop wood and carry water while also getting my necessary outside of my home people interaction).
In embracing my monastic spirit and making a commitment to it in my daily life, I am indeed finding “heaven on earth.” Yes there will still be conflict. Yes, there will still be anxiety and stress. Yes, I am spending a fair amount of my time alone – which actually fits my temperament. No, my life is not complicit with what a capitalistic culture requires of us. No, I don’t have any of the things our culture says we must have. I don’t own a home. I don’t have any savings or investments. I own the simple furnishings and artwork (much of it I have done myself) that are in my home. Much of what I own came to me second-hand, including the clothes on my back. It is a simple life. It is counter cultural. And it is founded on and established in one thing:
My relationship with MYSELF and my relationship with that which some call “God.”
Everything else springs forth out of and revolves around this simple goal – to be One within Myself and therefore One with God and One with everything that is.
It is here that we find true contentment and peace.
If the monastic life speaks to your Soul’s yearning, follow my daily posts on Facebook and Instagram. If you are looking for connection with others walking a similar path, consider becoming a member of our growing community. All are welcome.