The closer we draw to our true nature (which is God/Source/Love), the more inessential parts of our life, nature and personality fall away. Apparently just saying “yes” to a more monastic life is not enough. (As if I didn’t already know this!). As I live into the answer of what it means to be monastic as a 54 year old single mother of two I’m simultaneously finding answers, along with many more questions. At this moment, everything is up for grabs. Every….single…..thing……I have been offering as my gifts to the world; every….single…..title/role/name I have given to myself; every…..single…..way……I have attempted to describe who I am and what I do is up for debate. Actually, it is much more than that, every…..single…..thing……is asking to be SET ASIDE. Maybe not forever, but in this moment, in this snapshot of time, I am no longer teacher, counselor, author, priest, prophet, artist, or writer. I’m feeling a little like Arya Stark in her stay with at the House of Black and White.
“The Girl is No one. The Girl has no name.”
As Arya discovered in the end, I will never be without my name. I will always be Lauri. But as Arya also learned, some of the roles and responsibilities may need to change. In the past this would have terrified me, but I’ve been here before. It’s simply another one of those COMPLETE REWRITES over which I have no control. It is being done through me, for me, and on my behalf. So all I can do is SURRENDER to what is and as is appropriate during this Scorpio season, take the deep dive.
The Deep Dive for me has shown up in the form of a profound emptiness. I find myself with literally nothing to do, and no inspiration for doing. Yeah, there are tons of things I could be doing, but I have learned not to force things or to push against the energy of the Universe which is clearly telling me to get out of my own way. (Thank you for your patience Torrie as Lesson 6 is taking its own damn time in being born!)
With nothing to do, I have nothing left but to be. To be WITH that which is presenting. 1) a book on monasticism by a recovering Catholic divorced mother of two like me. 2) Friends showing up out of nowhere wanting to meet for coffee. 3) My regular meditation and yoga practices. 4) Caring for my children. 5) Being with the breaking down.
Breaking down is proving to be a mash up of life review, revisiting old wounds, witnessing those things that are still in need of transformation. It is like someone stirred the pond and the muck that had settled on the bottom has come up to the surface to be seen. The most important part of this stage in the process is to OWN MY OWN SHIT! No finger pointing. No blame. No shame. No projections. Instead, it is simply seeing, witnessing and evaluating. In taking the stance of objective observer, I can simply assess what is coming forth and evaluate its place in my life. What is working? What is not. What is life-giving? What is not? What can stay? What may need to go? As I am still human, this process is less than perfect, but once I get through the initial emotional reaction, I see more clearly how EVERYTHING is mine.
In this stage, the temptation is to then think I have to do something about it. NO NO NO. Now is not the time for action. Now is simply the time of observation and evaluation. As human beings we are so damned impatient and think we have to be in charge. When we think we have things all figured out and then hurry to get ‘er done, it usually blows up in our face. Instead, we are invited to MOVE BEYOND our human nature and WAIT. What we eventually find is that the Universe has the perfect timing in mind and is orchestrating all necessary change in the perfect way and in the perfect time. We also find that when we “Let go and let God” the result is usually (mostly) pain free. The only “pain” that is present is related to how much we are clinging to what has been and what needs to pass away.
Sigh! Being human is hard. Being spiritual in a human world is even harder. But as I am continually reminded, it’s not like I have a choice. I came here to do one thing and that is LOVE. Apparently love isn’t done with me yet.