There are many times throughout our journey home to ourselves (self-actualization) where our lives are completely re-aligned. This re-alignment begins on the day we are born in the moment we are expelled from the comfort of our mother’s womb into the cold, often cruel, world. No longer are all our needs continually met unbidden, we have to make people aware of our needs with no words to express them. As we find our way through infancy and childhood, every moment is a re-alignment – a constant exploration and learning of how to be and who to be in this world. The re-alignments continue as we graduate childhood and become students, when we move from the routine of grade school into the hormone infested chaos of middle school, and from there into the segmented atmosphere of high school – defined by social groups and activities. From there we move to the job world or college, to love and marriage, parenthood, etc. etc. etc. At certain steps along the journey a complete overhaul is required.
Finding our way home to ourselves is no different. The past several years for me has been one letting go and emptying after another. Just as I think I have emptied enough, the Universe presents another opportunity/invitation/command. (It’s really more of a command. I have discovered in this journey toward Self that we really don’t have a choice. If we are serious about our commitment to Self/Soul, freewill isn’t really an option. It’s more of a do or die.) I find that I am facing another one of these commands.
When I proclaimed to the world my commitment to my monastic self, I thought (how silly of me) “Ok we’re good.” I figured it was simply a matter of living into the monastic-ish lifestyle that has been beckoning me. Hah! Just as we think we have things figured out, God/Goddess laughs. Instead, I find that not only am I living into the question of what a monastic life looks like to me, I am also witnessing the further falling away of everything I thought myself to be and every role/offering I thought I had to share with the world. For the past several months, my students have been falling away left and right. I have few clients to speak of. The membership options I launched on my site are not thriving in the way I hoped they would. Etc. etc. etc.
To add insult to injury, as a normally prolific writer and creator, my creative inspiration seems to be dried up. I have four creative projects staring me in the face – one with somewhat of a deadline. They are all standing there looking at me waiting for some movement but I got nothin. Zilch. Nadda. Nothin. Not one spark of inspiration to get these things done and bring them into fruition. Nothin.
Old Lauri would have worried and fretted about the “looming deadlines” and the (seemingly) ever-decreasing income stream. Even more, I would have worried about having nothing “to do.” Instead, I know this is simply more of the movement toward Self. As Jesus modeled for us and the ancient mystics further demonstrated, the intent and purpose of the spiritual journey is to be made empty so that we might be filled by God. The journey home to ourselves, is ultimately about returning to Source – God, Love, Truth, Ain-Sof (No-thing), the Void, Allah, Brahma, Sophia, Shekinah, Abba, Amma, – whatever name/image/form/formlessness you want to give it. The human journey is all about Source calling us home to our true nature which can only be accomplished in an emptying of ourselves.
At this point in my journey I know better than to resist the call of the Soul. Those things that are falling away are doing so to create space for something even more amazing, life-giving and fulfilling. I have absolutely no idea what that might be, but I am open to receive and getting out of my own way so the Divine can make its home in me.