Posted in Authentic Freedom, Being Human, God

Reclaiming My Right to Be Excruciatingly Human!

DAMN IT. All these years I’ve been serving (internally anyway) the wrong kind of GOD!!!!!  In my head I know better….and my work reflects that.  But internally, I’ve been serving the GOD of someone else’s making.  ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Hi. My name is Lauri.  I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Trying to be perfect

Maybe that’s all you need to know…..but maybe not. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to be perfect.  The perfect daughter.  Perfect student.  Perfect pianist.  Perfect dancer.  Perfect friend.  Perfect wife.  Perfect mother.  I’m not sure if I was born this way or if it is a product of my conditioning or a little of both.  The Enneagram suggests we are born with our “Type.”  There is no doubt that I am a Type 1 on the Enneagram and that I undoubtedly look at myself, the world and my life experiences through the lens of this question: “How could this be better?”  So there’s that.

I am also acutely aware of how my early life experiences along with my Catholic upbringing fostered the critical nature of this lens. Little messages along the way which have said I’m not good enough, there is something wrong with me, the way I’m doing things is wrong, what my Soul needs and wants is not in line with what society expects from me….and worst of all…..the ongoing message of a jealous God examining my every move and like Santa Claus, keeping a record of all the bad I’ve done in my life – bad for which there will be some sort of punishment – if not in this life, then certainly in the next.

But I’m not bad!

But here’s the thing. I’m not bad.  I’ve never done anything bad.  Yes, in the normal stages of childhood development I fought with my siblings and was likely mean to them at times.  Yes, I became angry at my parents and sometimes grumbled against their guidance.  Yes, in college and early adulthood I made the usual “mistakes.”  But ultimately, I’ve never done anything to intentionally harm another or to do damage in this world.

So if I’m not bad and I’ve never done anything bad, then why have I spent a lifetime feeling so bad? Feeling as if there is something wrong with me?  In response to this deep inner feeling of wrongness, I have done a WHOLE LOT OF WORK.  Healing the pain from past abuse.  Healing trauma.  Undoing negative conditioning.  Reclaiming all the parts of myself that I locked away deep in my subconscious because it might not be “acceptable” in this world.  I have opened Pandora’s Box and have welcomed every single demon therein – meeting it, listening to its fears and concerns and supporting the healing and transformation of all my old wounds so that I might not only feel better about myself, but so I might also feel better about this world and my place in it.

This week while reading the comments of the women and men in my Magdalene Priestess Training I realized there was one final demon to tackle.

My favorite Moses scene is when he throws the tablets to the ground in disgust, rage and disappointment over his people.  This is me everyday!  And yet, I’m just as guilty of confusion, doubt, and running after distractions and shiny objects (hello Facebook).  UGH!  We are excruciatingly human – and isn’t that the point!?  God loves us no matter how dense we can be at times….and this is THE GOOD NEWS.  We are utterly ok exactly as we are in this and every other moment. God doesn’t care.  This is a lesson about Unconditional Love I am still trying to learn.  God doesn’t care if I enjoy a glass of wine.  God doesn’t care if I’m depressed and unmotivated.  God doesn’t care if some days I just don’t give a fuck.  God doesn’t care that on some days I despise the human race.  Because God knows WHO I AM and in the center of all my human frailty there is Love.  Just plain Love.  And Love is who I am even when (maybe especially when) I am excruciatingly human!  

That demon’s name is “GOD”

Now, before you get your undies in a twist, let me explain.  The GOD who I am calling a demon, is not God – but is instead, the god of someone else’s making.  This is not the God who Jesus spoke of who loves without condition.  This is the GOD made up by a hierarchical and patriarchal system who rules by fear, power and control.  This is the GOD who was created to make us feel bad about ourselves, to plant seeds of doubt, confusion and pain in us …. all so that this hierarchical system might control us.  Because here’s the thing – if we believe in a GOD who is always judging us, who is measuring our humanness against us and who is waiting to punish us for that evil, then we will always be afraid.  We will feel badly about ourselves and can therefore be easily manipulated.  You see, when GOD’s love can be taken away, if we have to earn that love, if we will be punished for angering this GOD, then we will do anything to gain the approval of this GOD – a GOD that ultimately has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with humans that want us to look toward them as the ultimate authority so we will do what they tell us; and humans who wants our money.  Notice- the Church is not the only creator of this GOD.  Oh no….they are co-conspirators with every other hierarchical institution which has arisen out of a desire to have power and control over the masses.

The Demon isn’t only in the Church

Oh, and for the record…..a whole lot of “New Age,” “Ascension” and “Prosperity Gospel” people also preach this kind of GOD. You know…the GOD who will only reward us if we “think the right thoughts.”  The GOD who isn’t actually a GOD but is in fact ourselves – because WE are GOD and our life is created by what and how we think.  If we think the right thoughts we will get what we want because WE are GOD.  And if we think the wrong thoughts, then we can expect the consequences of these thoughts because we are GOD and we made it happen.  And if what we have in our lives is not what we want (if we are poor, struggling with illness, experiencing difficulty in our lives) it is because this GOD who is US is punishing us for thinking the wrong thoughts and the solution to changing what we do not want in our lives is to simply think better thoughts.  Or perform magic spells.  Or do the right ritual.  Or light a candle.  Oh wait….there’s more.  We also need to be PERFECT.  If our life isn’t what we want it to be it is because there is some wound in the way and if we clear that wound (fear, compulsion, etc.) then our external life will magically change. Ourselves disguised as a demon disguised as GOD.

(For the record, I’m all in favor of healing our wounds….it is what I do best……but healing our inner wounds is NO GUARANTEE of a change in our external lives.  Jesus never promised EXTERNAL abundance – only the abundance we know within when we are free.  #authenticfreedom). 

THIS is the demon GOD that remains at the bottom of my Pandora’s Box. The GOD that says I’m not good enough.  That I will never be good enough.  That no matter how hard I work to heal my past wounds, fears, etc. I will never be free because this GOD is looking over my shoulder waiting to hand out reward and punishment.  The GOD that has me believing that my life experience will change if I can just figure out what about me is soooooo wrong and heal that one thing so that everything will be good again. DAMN IT.  All these years I’ve been serving (internally anyway) the wrong kind of GOD!!!!!  In my head I know better….and my work reflects that.  But internally, I’ve been serving the GOD of someone else’s making.  ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

NO MORE! Today, I reclaim my RIGHT TO BE HUMAN. Excruciatingly human! Jesus spoke of a God who loves without condition.  A God who made me exactly as I am – for a reason and a purpose – and THIS creation is PERFECT.  I am already loved by God.  I don’t have to earn God’s love and it cannot be taken away.  I was LOVED into being and I am LOVE itself – and this version of love swears like a sailor, enjoys a glass of wine at the end of the day, on some days despises the human race, becomes impatient with ignorance and intolerance, grows enraged in the face of injustice, is at times judgmental and self-righteous and is sure that my way is right – or at least better; who loves deeply, burns passionately, gives generously – even if sometimes out of a “need to help or to feel loved,” who hates certain individuals and harbors resentment like Gollum harbors the ring.  Sometimes I’m depressed and unmotivated.  Other days I’m a workaholic.  I have anxiety, suffer with migraines and sometimes have panic attacks.  Like Denis Leary sings, sometimes I’m an Asshole but I can also be one of the kindest people you will ever know.  This is me in all my excruciating humanness exactly like God made me and there is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with how I am living my life.  And the parts of my external life which I wish would change (Gawd I’m tired of always having to worry about money and how my next bill will be paid) have absolutely nothing to do with something I have yet to heal, or some thought I need to correct.  SHIT JUST HAPPENS.  This is life.  And God has nothing to do with it and neither do we.  We are here to be human – excruciatingly human and maybe somewhere in that humanness we have the opportunity to discover that in addition to being human we are also LOVE.



I am a trained, professional Spiritual Director, Author and Hands-on Healer. I offer services, programs and classes that empower you to hear the voice of the Divine that speaks from within you. It is the voice of the Divine that leads us to our highest truth, to the discovery and cultivation of our gifts and to a life of Authentic Freedom where we know contentment, compassion and joy. Your truth will set you free!

6 thoughts on “Reclaiming My Right to Be Excruciatingly Human!

  1. Oh I love this!!!! In my journey I’ve come to many of the same conclusions, you just re-validated many of them!!!!

  2. Great post.

    Ya know honey, I read it and just see that you are figuring out what matters… and what doesn’t. Humans (ourselves included) can be very “judgy”. And of course that negative sort of judgment comes from one’s own issues… “You’ll never get to the Kingdom of Heaven if _____” Fill in the blank. Yes, even New Agers will say silly stuff like “A spiritually advanced person would never be sarcastic.” Sarcastic. OMG, not that! (I said sarcastically) lol Obviously sarcasm bothers them, so they have to make up rules for others rather than just get over it (heal). Ya know, everyone else must change rather than them not be bothered by something. *shaking head*

    I started a new post the other day (but not getting the guidance to release it yet, perhaps it’s either not time or not a complete post yet) but it’s about my characteristics that I know someone out there would judge as bad in some way and yet it has not kept me from advancing. It’s the stuff that just doesn’t matter… in this whole healing and ascension thing… it’s just been judged as bad by someone.

    Another thing with New Agers… some think that what is required for ascension, that there is never an end to it. Wrong. We will surely continue to ex-perience (even at higher D levels), learn and grow but what is required for ascension does indeed have an end to it. That healing bit that you know matters.

    Love – we naturally ARE love, not something to seek.
    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~ Rumi

    And… I wrote a post a while back for those who like to identify as “star seeds” who can seemingly only obsess on escaping / getting away from dreaded humans. My post is titled “Being Human is Wonderful!” We came here to not just experience being humans this time, but to even ascend as humans, to take our human form to higher Ds… then these silly “star seeds” can’t stand “humans”, as if they themselves are not human right now. *shaking head… again*

    And for the a-holes out there who speak asshole-eze to me, I’ve said I’m quite fluent in that language. 😉 Lucky for them, so we can actually communicate. lol

    I do disagree with you on one point though – shit doesn’t just happen. It does happen though… but for a reason. I’ve also chewed God out many times. God has literally guided me to do / or believe something that when the truth came out, well, ouch. But it’s never been without purpose. Some shit really isn’t shit… ya know, in one way or another. We just had to realize it.

    Thanks for being you.

    1. Amen sister! Amen! And truthfully, I also believe that shit happens for a reason – or as my friend Jeff VandenHeuvel once said, “We decide in each moment of every day whether we are going to choose life or death.” In my words, “Do we allow the shit that will happen in life to destroy us or do we find the new life that is promised on the other side of the shit.” I always try to find the new life/love. So from that perspective, YES it all happens for a reason IF we choose to accept it as something to help our growth. And even if we don’t then I guess it served some other reason. Totally random and yet also totally planned. 🙂 I love it!

      1. You make me think… I have a post, which is an excerpt from my book, called “Are You Living or Dying?” Our body / physicality is the outward manifestation of our energy. Also our body systems – creative, immunity, maintenance, reproduction, etc. – literally get shut down (take a back seat) when we are in constant fear / fight-or-flight mode.

        Yep, powerful creators we are. Owning that is the beginning, middle and end – God = Generator, Operator, Destroyer.

      2. Lauri, As always, thank you for your insights. I have given a lot of thought to the whole concept of “manifestation / attraction of abundance” that is widely written about and, while I do believe that we can create our own reality with our thoughts / actions etc. I do not believe that if something bad happens that you somehow “attracted” it into your life. Or the opposite, that if something good happens you attracted that into your life. If my car breaks down and needs repairing, did I “attract” that or is it just a piece of equipment that at some point will need fixing because of its age, mileage etc.? If my husband comes home and is in a great mood did I “attract” that or did he just have a good day? I can appreciate and enjoy his good mood but I don’t know that I necessarily “attracted” it. Thank you for putting this concept into the framework that you did in this post. It has taken my perspective on it to a deeper level. Peace, girlfriend.

      3. One of my teachers once said “We are the meaning makers.” Like recently, when my car got hit and totaled, I decided it was a gift from the Universe/God. I had been wanting/needing a new car, but knew that the trade in value for my car wouldn’t be enough to get me something new. With the insurance settlement and a little help from a friend, I now have a new set of wheels (new to me). Thank you Universe!

        Then there is yesterday. My “thoughts” should have brought a houseful for my “Spiritual but not religious” gathering last night. Instead, only one came. And as soon as she showed up I knew it was EXACTLY as it needed to be. This is a friend who recently suffered the unexpected death of her partner and it had been 2 years since we had seen each other. She/We needed the time for one-on-one….. It was perfect and had absolutely nothing with me “thinking the right thoughts” as I would have never thought to imagine this.

        Then there is the philosophical question of our Soul. I know my human thoughts are not creating my reality. BUT I am more than willing to entertain the idea that our Soul (our God self) knows exactly what we need in our lives to fulfill the mission we came here for and unfolds that mission before us. Sometimes (always) we need the challenges to grow and learn. We also need the miracles so that we are willing to stay in the game. Not reward and punishment….but all for the sake of our growth. When I think of life in this way, I am more able to be grateful for the challenges when they arise knowing they are here to help me heal and grow. I’m not wising for the challenges (Thank you sir, may I have another). I choose to see them as a chance to grow. When I approach them in this way, I have more peace and feel less like a victim or like a martyr (what did I do to bring this upon myself?!!!!). It is all a gift from our Soul to help us complete our mission.

        Those are just my random ponderings at 7am! <3

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