Posted in Initiation, Magic

When Did You First Know?

Yesterday I had the profound gift of sitting with a dear friend who is healing after 6 months of INTENSIVE cancer treatment. We were talking about all the things you talk about when death is staring at you in the face.  In the midst of the conversation she asked me a question that will likely haunt me the rest of my life:

“Lauri, when did you first know?”

She was inquiring about the gift (which often feels like a curse) I have of seeing, hearing and feeling EVERYTHING that is happening in our world. Her question took my breath away, first, in revealing to me that she SAW and BELIEVED IN my gift.  Second, because I had never really thought to ask myself the same question.

When did I first know that I was seeing, hearing and feeling EVERYTHING?

When I sit with that question, the image that comes forth is me clinging to my mother’s pelvis as the doctors were ripping me by the foot from her womb. It seems I already knew what I would hear, see, feel and know and I wanted no part of it! (Interestingly, my daughter who shares this gift with me was also born breech.)

Seeing. Hearing.  Feeling. Knowing.  A gift as well as a curse.  But as my friend SAW and BELIEVED IN my gift, I felt the “cursed” part fall away and what was left was only the gift.  I felt this gift wash over me as a blessing….as a prayer….as a benediction.  I suddenly saw, heard, felt and knew the blessing this gift has been to me, and to those I serve.  Most obvious to me is the way this gift has supported me in seeing, hearing, feeling and knowing my children.  Knowing them in a way that has allowed me to avoid the temptation of crafting my children into something I think I want them to be.  Instead, I have supported them in being who they are.  I suspect for many of my students and clients I have done the same.

This gift has also allowed me to hold our world in love. I see, feel, hear and know the evil and pain in our world….and I feel it into the depth of my being.  It HURTS.  And yet, I know this is not who we are.  Beyond the hurt, the ignorance, the evil in the world, I see the pain and beyond the pain I see the love.  We are all on this planet trying to find our way home and the only way we can find our way home is through love.

Love has found its way to me through seeing, feeling, hearing and knowing EVERYTHING that is happening in our world. Love is finding its way to you through your own unique gifts. So I will ask you the same question asked of me by my friend:

When did you first know the gifts that you possess that are showing you the way to love?


I am a trained, professional Spiritual Director, Author and Hands-on Healer. I offer services, programs and classes that empower you to hear the voice of the Divine that speaks from within you. It is the voice of the Divine that leads us to our highest truth, to the discovery and cultivation of our gifts and to a life of Authentic Freedom where we know contentment, compassion and joy. Your truth will set you free!

5 thoughts on “When Did You First Know?

  1. I think I knew the gifts as a child but had no context to claim them…nor did I have anyone to affirm those gift or help me know them. If anything, those gifts were eventually rejected as weak or un-masculine. I probably didn’t really discover the gifts and start claiming them until I was 37 or 38.

    1. Hi Bill! I am so sorry that your gifts were judged as “weak” or “unmasculine.” And THANK YOU for being one of those amazing men who has had the courage to move through the societal conditioning and pave a new way for our understanding of what is “masculine.” The HOLY masculine is kind, sensitive, wanting to serve, etc. while also embodying the “traditional” masculine traits of provision and protection. We are at a time where our human traits transcend any association with male or female and simply are. As a woman, I embody both traditional feminine as well as traditional masculine traits. I also embody some of my own traits that cannot be labeled as either. I will be glad when we can simply get rid of all these labels. Male, female, masculine, feminine, all arise out of a dualistic paradigm and language. I will be grateful for the future generations who will help us craft a new language and a new way of understanding what it simply means to be human without all this separation. Let people simply be people.

  2. Lauri, I am so happy that the “curse” aspect of your gifts has fallen away and that you carry them no more. I rejoice with you. Now the lion’s share of your energy and powers may focused upon your calling without the distraction of regret.
    . You have been baptized by the sweet, sweet waters of liberation as they have “washed over” you. Praise Be!!!!!…….Dennis

  3. I was quite young, then I suppressed it for a long time. Then I moved to Colorado and spent a lot of time in the mountains by myself which facilitated growth in many directions. I find that the feeling has only intensified as I age. Most of the time I embrace it and enjoy it, but at times it can feel isolating and overwhelming.

    1. Jody, your words about the isolation and overwhelm went straight to my heart! Overwhelm comes because as mystics we hear, feel, and see, EVERYTHING! It is overwhelming to be the receptor of soooooo much energy, thoughts, feelings, emotions, sensations, etc. And sometimes it is just too much. We either need a filter or an escape. Escape comes in those necessary times of withdrawing from the world. For you I know it is being intimately in touch with nature. It is your filter and your escape. It is where you are nurtured and recharged. The isolation also comes from being a mystic. In this world that values reason and logic over the subjective nature of the Divine, we are the invisible ones. We are unlike the people and the culture around us and our gifts are not valued by the collective. We are “weird.” We often feel misunderstood and ignored. Couple that with our need to unplug and we can feel isolated. In addition, for mystics, our quest is for the Divine. The Divine is our beloved. Nothing else compares and we will not rest until we experience that Oneness with God. This oneness comes in many forms…often through our “work.” This can also make us a little bit of a workaholic. Why would we not do our work when in doing it we feel one with God? This can also cause us to feel isolated. It is all part of the gift we carry – a gift that sometimes feels like a burden. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom on how to find balance in all of that…..but alas, I find it is only something that can be met in the moment. One thing that has helped me is to simply accept the isolation, the periodic feelings of overwhelm and to respond in the moment to what is arising within me. Jody, you are an amazing gift in this world….for your gifts, for your presence, and for the way you are always asking the tough questions. I love you!

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