Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks: Existential Rage – the energy of my mission, purpose and calling seeking its fulfillment coming up against the brick wall of perceived obstacles to its fulfillment. It was another one of those days where I felt like a voice crying out in the wilderness speaking only to sand watching the gathering pool of blood at my feet from hitting my head against the impenetrable brick wall to being seen, heard and appreciated for my work.
I know my work has value. I know my work is important for the evolution of our species. I know that those who find and make a commitment to the programs and services that I offer benefit greatly. In fact, their lives are transformed, their wounds healed, and most importantly, they are empowered with tools that will continue to support them as they try to navigate this thing called life. Those who have worked with me one-on-one or taken my courses rave about the wonders that have occurred in their lives because of the work we have done.
So here I am, working out of a place of integrity, holding fast to my mission and purpose, standing firm in my education, experience, background and being very careful to stay in my lane (I am a white woman of Celtic and Scandinavian descent, raised Catholic, who completed her ministry and spiritual counseling training in the Catholic Church who has dedicated her life to the study of scripture, theology, developmental psychology, spirituality and contemplative meditation practices). While I have learned from other traditions and might recommend some of their practices (Tonglen, Ho’oponopono), I remain committed to Jesus and Mary Magdalene as my teachers and teach only that which arises out of this Judeo-(and sometimes Celtic) Christian Mystical platform. Over the years I have developed a solid platform – Jesus as a teacher of self-actualization and Mary Magdalene as the one he ordained to carry on his mission after his death. This platform corresponds directly with the Jewish Kabbalah, and in fact, seems to be its fulfillment (more on that in the months to come).
So, why the existential rage? Because….here I am, staying in my own lane, presenting Mary Magdalene in the only way that is appropriate – within the context of her relationship with Jesus and her role in the (what we now call) Christian narrative barely making my way in the world while others are getting rich off the Magdalene name without the education, background, experience or credentials to do so. Mary has been co-opted from the Christian narrative and turned into a commodity for others to exploit.
But it’s not just about Mary Magdalene. This existential rage I am feeling is about every single person I see getting rich off of other people’s vulnerability – placing themselves in a position of perceived authority and manipulating others through their insecurity and fears. Those who enable instead of empower. Those who lord their “knowledge” and “gifts” over others so as to make themselves rich. The gurus, self-help experts, pastors, preachers, Ted Talk givers, “psychics” who gather flocks of obedient followers who cannot wait to be told what to do and how to live their lives. Those who are successful because they benefit from a culture made up of millions of people who have never been given the resources, tools or support to reason, discern or exercise their own truth.
Herein lays the root of my existential rage. My mission is to support people in their spiritual awakening and in their journey toward self-actualization. Inherent within this journey is the invitation to discover our own truth, and to find the skills to reason, discern and exercise that truth. This is what I believe Jesus did for his disciples– and Mary Magdalene with him. But maybe the hard truth for me is the same truth Jesus and Mary Magdalene faced: people do not want to wake up – they do not want to discover their own truth. Because the truth is, when we unravel ourselves from the voice of the outside perceived authority, we are accountable to and responsible to no one but ourselves (and the authority within that I call God). When we stand in our own truth, there is no one else to blame. We are accountable to and responsible to ourselves. Period. On many days, it’s just easier to be told what to do, and then we can blame someone else when it doesn’t go well.
In a world made up of sheep, I sometimes wonder where is there a place for me?