Panic Attacks – the Devil Inside (Part I)
On Saturday, June 13th I had three full-blown panic attacks, the third so debilitating I was not able to drive myself and my son home from a shopping trip 30 miles from home. As I mentioned in my blog on Monday, panic attacks suck…..or do they? What if panic attacks are not here to harm or torture us, but are instead, here to teach us? What if instead of judging them as harmful, rushing off to medicate them, or wanting to push them away, we welcomed them closer and allowed them to be our teacher? What, you might ask, could a panic attack teach us other than, “life sucks and then you die?” Let’s find out…
There is always more to the story…
As much as I hate having panic attacks, and they are terrifying while they are happening and every moment in between, for me, and I suspect many others who experience anxiety, depression and panic attacks (note: the three are closely related), there is always more to the story. Panic attacks don’t simply show up out of nowhere (though they sure seem like they do). They always have deeper roots. As I sat in the fog of the post-panic, post-Xanax hangover, I had ample opportunity to sort through all the potential precursors of panic (while trying not to get too much into old patterns of self-deprecation and negative self-judgment of thinking I did something wrong to bring on this panic and that there must be something wrong with me…). In the search, I discovered there was a litany of potential “causes”:
Wine – ugh! One tiny glass of wine the evening before (and as I noted had happened before every panic attack or near-panic I’ve had). Wine=yeast=triggering my candida allergy. Apparently there is a tie between candida and panic. SIGH. No more wine for me.
Keeping a lid on it! Tending to a friend who received a medical treatment. Helping another friend who received a cancer diagnosis. Being present with a friend whose mother recently passed. Lots of travel. And just life in general. Lots to carry. Lots to hold. Throw in some good old fashioned money fears…and….NOT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF in the midst of it all! TONS of emotions were bottled up in me that needed to find a way out…..and boy did they! (And let’s not forget the link between panic and past, unresolved trauma!)
STEPPING INTO MY GREATNESS! The week leading up to the panic attack was a HUGE week for me. I stepped into my new venture as Authentic Freedom Academy. I put AFA out into the world. I formed an affiliate program and sent out invites. I completed the most recent Resurrecting the Magdalene course and ordained (yes, I said “ORDAINED!”) four women into The Order of the Magdalene/Christ. I received an important message about my beloved partner. And finally…..through the support of some shamanic journey work, I rediscovered some very ancient methods of manifestation (ie: magic) and for bringing the new world into being. Hint: “The Law of Attraction” is OUT (truth be told, it was never in for me anyway…more on that later).
The link between panic and POWER
As much as we don’t want to admit it, there IS a link between panic and STANDING IN OUR POWER. The way I understand it, the link between panic and power is two-fold:
Ignoring the voice of our Soul:
First, panic (and its precursor – anxiety) arises when we ignore, silence, suppress and repress our POWER, our truth, our gifts, our call, our purpose and our passions. When we ignore the voice of our SOUL is will do everything in its power to get our attention. The more we ignore the voice of the SOUL, the harder it works, sometimes having to resort to desperate measures to get our attention – even if it means panic. This has definitely been the case for me. When the truth is in my face again and again and again and I choose to ignore it, panic steps in.
Stepping into our power:
Panic attacks can also arise as a form of temptation. The closer we get to our Soul’s purpose, God’s call for us in our life, the path of our highest Self, the harder the ego works to thwart us on our path. Our Soul longs to be free – to have a life of fulfillment, expansiveness, meaning, peacefulness and love. The ego wants SAME, status quo, what is old and familiar. Think of Jesus in the desert and Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. In both instances, Jesus did battle with “Satan” over the path before him. Heed the voice of fear and make himself equal to God (as was the discussion in the desert) or heed the voice of fear and recant his truth (that he was One with God but not necessarily equal)? The ego does not want us to enjoy the path of our Soul or to embrace our gifts or our true power. Instead, the ego wants us to remain small, in a place and situation that is familiar. Toward that end, the ego will resort to all sorts of ministrations to keep us from our power – even panic attacks if it needs to.
Power and panic in proportion
I can think of two situations in particular (this weekend included) where a powerful moment of stepping into my power presented itself and panic stepped in. In both situations, and army of support presented itself and I eventually figured out the true source of the panic – not in something I had done wrong, but in something I had done right! Talk about empowering. It is interesting to me to note that the degree to which we are stepping into our power is equal to the degree to which the ego fights to keep us from it. From the degree of the panic attacks I experienced this weekend, I’m guessing I’m getting pretty dang close to the purpose of my soul and to the root of my true power. How about you?
Stay tuned Panic Attacks, the Devil Inside Part II where we will learn how to embrace temptation (ie: panic attacks) as our teacher instead of our tormentor.
Authentic Freedom Academy provides resources and support for those wishing to heed the voice of their Soul – for those who know they are here for a reason, who want to know what that reason is, and who wish to contribute to the betterment of themselves and the world through their own unique giftedness. Call (920) 230-1313 or email firstname.lastname@example.org to learn more.