This is for my brothers and sisters who also know they are not from here. The key is to find a home within ourselves, and to seek out the company and support of others who are also not from here. But first, the dream:
Standing under a sunlit sky, a star-filled cloud, similar in content and form to the Milky Way Galaxy, hangs low in the sky. With destination and purpose, it floats over and past me, the stars hanging from the cloud twinkling in silver light, tinged in midnight blue. Suddenly, the stars begin falling from the cloud, tumbling toward me, circling and enfolding me in their light. Out of the stars comes a voice, speaking my true name: “Aniyakah, in my native tongue, then in my human tongue, “Starfire.” Surrounded in a double-helix of dancing stars, a being clothed in light appears handing me a drink, a deep blue liquid, sparkling with silver stars, “liquid starlight.” I obediently swallow the drink – medicine to make me whole and return me to my original nature – “Starfire.”
A Stranger in a Strange Land
For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I was not from here. Even as a young child, when enjoying innocent play and singing and dancing on fireplace hearth in our home in Sacramento, CA (where I lived as a young child), I remember the feeling of being more an observer of the human condition than a participant. Perhaps this is the nature of being an introvert, but I often feel there is more to it than this. I was truly content in this quiet place of observation while sheltered in the arms of my parent’s loving embrace. But eventually, the truth of the human condition began rearing its ugly head and in these revelations, I realized I was different. These experiences felt strange and foreign – many beyond my comprehension. I also realized certain abilities within myself that other human beings did not seem to possess. I felt strange, out of place. And when others noticed my strangeness, the reaction was often fear, quickly followed by outright rejection. The fear and the rejection, especially, boggled my mind. What had I done to cause them to act in that way, other than being myself? In this, I have spent much of my life confused. Fortunately, there have been many who have loved and honored my “strangeness,” and in their company, I have found wings. But even so, the strangeness of the human condition remains, such that I have come to believe that quite simply, I’m not from here. Here’s what causes me to believe this to be true (and which might resonate as true for you as well).
If I could sum it up with one sentiment – I have to say it is ultimately about love. Love, is really all I understand. Never in my life have I understood anything that is not a reflection of love. War, conflict, discrimination, racism, sexism, nationalism, etc. etc. etc. have NEVER made any sense to me. Why can’t we all get along? The God I know is only a God of love and in spite of the religion I grew up with that wanted to present a God that might sacrifice, judge or punish, I knew only a God of love, and all I wanted to do was please this God – not for fear of punishment, but for the sake of love. The same is true for my fellow human beings – all I ever wanted to do was act in ways that are loving and kind. Yes, I have felt anger, resentment, even hatred, but only out of a place of feeling hurt and rejected, or in the face of human injustice. Perhaps I have been tempted by thoughts of karmic revenge, but ultimately, I wish only love and always seek to be healed of my own hurt so that forgiveness may arise. I never understood “mean girls.” I was shocked and offended by violence of any kind against human beings. I was sickened by any of the isms that humans use to separate one from the other – privileging one and condemning the other. I just don’t get it….and hopefully, I never will. Somewhere deep, deep inside me, in the place that feels I’m not from here, I know there is another way – and this other (and for me only) way is LOVE. I often feel that it is for the sake of this love that I am here – and other ones like me.
Gifts for the Purpose of Love
In service, perhaps, to this purpose of love, I have been given certain gifts – gifts that until I learned how to use them, often caused me trouble.
1) Inner Truth Barometer – I have an uncanny ability to read people – in particular, their ability to be of integrity or not. I can tell when someone is lying or lying to themselves – pretending to be someone other than their true self. As you can imagine, this ability can cause a lot of problems – especially in those attached to their deceit.
2) Awakener – somewhat related to the first, I have also learned that in my presence, people wake up – specifically to their truth. Here is where it gets tricky, not everyone can handle the truth. As such, those in my presence either run away in fear, or stay, feeling loved and supported, enjoying the process of growing into the fullness of their truth. This is where I must also acknowledge my gift of healing.
3) Empath – This one has been especially tricky. My energy field is like a radar, picking up the emotions and feelings of people and places. Until I knew better, I took these feelings (especially the negative ones) into my own body – subconsciously believing it was my job to take them on and my job to fix them. In many cases, I also took responsibility for these feelings – thinking they were somehow my fault, instead of the reflection they are of the other person’s fear. This left me mostly feeling stressed out, sick, anxious and tired. Eventually, I learned this empathic ability is simply so I can become aware of places and persons in need of love, so I can offer them up for God to be healed and to heal the places in me where similar wounds might be harbored. I am quite simply a radar, taking note of where healing is needed and allowing God to do the rest.
From Fear into Love
In these experiences, I can’t help but wonder if I’m quite simply not from here. At the same time, I find I am here – in this place and in this time. I also acknowledge there must be a reason and a purpose for these feelings of strangeness – for the marked contrast between the conflict, war, discrimination, hatred, etc. I see in the human condition and the unconditional love that I know is REAL and POSSIBLE. If I (and many others I know) believe that there is another way – that we can enjoy the experiences of the human condition from a place of love instead of fear – than perhaps this is WHY we are here. Not from here – but here nonetheless, for the sole purpose of LOVE – to help turn a world of fear into a world of LOVE.
Who is with me?