When we have sought and not found, pursued and come up empty, asked and been denied, we begin to question our hopes and our dreams, inner longings and desires. And we wonder, what is the remedy to this feeling of being exiled from our vision, exiled from our very self? What is the antidote to spiritual exile?
Grey stone walls encircle me
As high as the eye can see
Splatters of blood, sometimes dripping from hitting my head against the wall.
The heels of my fists scraped and bruised from pounding for release.
My voice silenced from screaming to be heard.
Head aching from thinking…planning…doing…and trying…
To find my out, beyond the walls
to my hopes and dreams.
I’ve sought and have not found.
I’ve knocked and not been heard.
I’ve asked and not been given.
Success as a writer
Prosperity in service
Recognition for my gifts
Affirmation of my beauty
A love I can call my own.
No reward for the striving
No comfort in the effort
No fruit in the doing
Instead, only disappointment and frustration
Forever discontent in this excruciating longing.
But….this is not just another dark night of the soul
For God is here, all around me, holding me fast
I acutely feel his presence, he’s just not responding.
Instead, he’s waiting in silence for me to
Cease this relentless striving which has imprisoned me in an exile of my own making.
With nothing left to give,
Absent energy or motivation for the striving
Exhausted from the pursuit
I collapse to the floor in prayer, pleading…
“What do you want from me?”
Imprisoned in my tower
Exiled from my dreams
God’s one-word answer whispers:
And here at last, I find peace.