Today’s post speaks to the longing that we all experience for connection – a longing that manifests in unique ways for each individual. Sometimes this longing reaches out to us through our dreams, our imaginings, a restlessness that cannot be contained or a heart-ache that cannot be quenched. The connection that we long for it at once outside of us and within us as we seek to be reunited with the lost and forsaken parts of ourselves and as we seek to live out that wholeness in partnership with another. Some might call this outside search as the journey toward our soulmate or twin flame, others might simply experience it as unrequited longing. I call it the search for The Beloved.
In Search for the Beloved
When I go to the deepest places in my heart, you are there….gazing back at me with adoring eyes, holding out your hand to me, pulling me toward yourself, stroking my hair, holding me, kissing my lips, drying my tears. I know that I have known your presence and I ache for you. I miss you with a missing that feels like a sword piercing my heart, tearing me in two. You have wandered in and out of my sleeping and waking dreams, beckoning me to you in a way that sometimes seems cruel. How long will you hide your presence from me? How much more patience must I bear? I sought you. I waited for you. I made great sacrifices for you. Yet, still I find you are not here and I am forced to grieve the disappointment.
So, what is there left for me to do? Should I give you up? Decide you are merely a figment of my overactive imagination and forsake the idea, the hope of an enduring love? Am I to give you up and live my life knowing you will not come and forever be unsatisfied? Do I look elsewhere and settle for less? I ask for you to speak, yet you do not answer. I work to keep my heart open, to sustain the hope, to keep the light burning that will lead you home, but I find I do grow tired. My heart grows heavy and tears fall like rain from my eyes. I’m tempted to let the light grow dim, to close my heart to you and to continue on in the way that I came – alone. If you have an answer for me, I’m listening, but I don’t know for how much longer.
Look for more on the midlife experience of longing in my upcoming book, Returning – a woman’s midlife journey to herself, coming in May.