Today’s blog is a follow up to yesterday’s blog about depression and the muse, specifically, the fear of rejection and how it reared its ugly head….but more importantly, how we are sometimes asked to shift our perspectives and see those things we are tempted to judge through another lens.
God has a sick sense of humor
Yesterday after posting the blog “Depression and the Muse”, two crazy things happened that reminded me of how truly sick God’s sense of humor is! Just when I think I know what the heck is going on or when I dare to believe I have grasped a new level of understanding, God quickly turns the table on me. When that happens, I am simply forced to laugh at my own arrogance and to be grateful that God is the one running the show and not me.
Point #1 – Walking on Eggshells
Yesterday I mentioned a poem that came out of my meditation class on Wednesday night. Here is the text of the poem:
Walking on Eggshells
Pounding on the door of my heart
Desperate in its wanting
To enfold you in all I have to give.
I walk on eggshells
That you’ll say no.
When I saw these words flying out of my pen, I was sure I knew what they were pertaining to. I thought I had it all figured out. Piece of cake. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. HA! Then God showed me more. After penning yesterday’s blog about rejection it suddenly dawned on me, this poem has NOTHING to do with what I thought it did (ok, maybe a little)…..rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with MY WHOLE DARN LIFE! Walking on Eggshells in my work, my writing, in my relationships, in my play, in my recreation, in my social interactions…..WHY?????? Because I’m afraid they will say “NO”….no to me, no to my work, blah blah blah. That darn fear of rejection suddenly became WAY BIGGER than I ever acknowledged it as being and it encompassed EVERY aspect of my life. Dag nabbit! Now what I am going to do? Apparently I’m afraid of everything and everybody that might reject me and in response, I withold all the love that I am from the world and hold back in the free and generous sharing of my gifts and my talents. What is wrong with me????? The good news is that before I was tempted to know too much about this fear and how wretched a human being I am for being so dang afraid, God dropped the other F-bomb.
Point #2 – Fear as a Gift?????
Shortly after coming to the above realization, I was facilitating another meditation group and participating in the prescribed meditation activity. I was using the following scripture passage as a mantra when God dropped the F-Bomb:
I have called you by name, you are mine.
As I was repeating the above phrase in my mind and allowing God to speak to me through these words, here are the words that God gave back to me:
Has it ever occurred to you that I have given you the fear of rejection as a gift? I gifted you with your own unique way of perceiving your life experience and it is through the lens of rejection. I gave this unique gift to you so that you would find ways to move through that fear and in moving through that fear, drawing closer to me, closer to yourself and closer to others. And in doing so, you would experience healing and growth. I then gave you the gift of transparency so that you would share these experiences with others so that they too could find the way through their own experiences of perceived rejection, draw closer to me, closer to themselves and closer to others. Your fear of rejection is a gift, not the curse that you often perceive it to be and certainly not something to judge or condemn.
Ok then, I guess in that I will let God have the final word.
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