Diane Koser is a woman who has been through a remarkable journey of recovery. Faced with an unexpected divorce, she courageously journeyed through the various stages of grief: denial, bargaining, shock, anger, depression and sadness and has arisen victorious on the other side. During the course of the journey, she discovered her gifts of writing and painting and is well on her way to creating a new life for herself. I am so proud of Diane for all the hard work she has done and for her ability to deal with whatever came – head on. This poem came out of a profound revelation that she discovered on this journey of self-recovery and following the poem is Diane’s reflection on how this poem came about. I trust you will find this has moving as I have.
~ Diane M. Koser ~
UNAVAILABLE THEY WERE TO ME
THE MEN IN MY LIFE HAD TO BE
BECAUSE I WAS UNAVAILABLE TO ME.
I DIDN’T VALUE MYSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT ALL THOSE BAD BOYS HAD TO GO.
BY BEING ALONE WITH BROKEN ME
I FINALLY FACED WHAT I COULDN’T SEE.
THE PROBLEM WASN’T REALLY THEM
ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT IT WAS BACK THEN.
THEY ALL REFLECTED MY UNHEALED HURT
SO I ALLOWED THEM TO TREAT ME LIKE DIRT.
NO MORE, NO MORE, NOT EVER AGAIN
I’M STRONGER AND WISER THAN I’VE EVER BEEN.
THERE’S NO MORE FEAR OF BEING ALONE
FOR IN IT I HAVE FINALLY COME HOME.
I’VE FACED THE TRUTH AND ENDURED THE PAIN
OF WHAT WILL NEVER BE AGAIN.
IT’S ME I’VE LEARNED TO FULLY TRUST
SO I’VE LEFT THOSE BAD BOYS IN MY DUST.
MY EYES ARE CLEAR AND OPEN WIDE
FROM TRUTH I KNOW I’LL NEVER HIDE.
I NOW INTEND TO ALWAYS BE
FOREVER AVAILABLE TO ME.
Diane’s reflections on the origin of her poem:
What attracted me to the bad boys in my life? I never gave it much thought seeing as how I’d had a relationship with only one man since I was fourteen, until I was asked to consider that question in one of Lauri’s classes. The answers that surfaced helped me realize how similar the males I had been drawn to from kindergarten into adulthood were. It didn’t matter whether or not I actually ever had a relationship with them; what really mattered was the type of boys I found attractive. As I considered their similarly dysfunctional backgrounds and unhealthy personality and behavioral characteristics, I realized that not one of those boys could ever have been even remotely available to me emotionally. As the reality of that awareness settled in and collided with my belief that people in our lives mirror our own reflections back to us, could it possibly follow that I had also been emotionally unavailable?
Looking back, my childhood environment consisted primarily of unavailable men, as well as women who interacted with those men in very unhealthy ways. As a result of that conditioning and simply not knowing any better, it made perfect sense that I would repeatedly be drawn to what was most familiar to me; I just never realized it before.
It was only by walking through the process of having my entire life collapse when my marriage ended, that I learned invaluable lessons about myself, illusions, truth, trust, letting go, and being alone. As a result, I cleared away many illusions I’d held onto tightly and lived behind my entire life. I discovered many truths about myself and others that I had never been able to face before. I came to know very clearly that trust in my self is paramount. I let go of more than I ever thought was possible. I became comfortable living alone, which was crucially important in my healing process. Surprisingly though, the best gift each of these worthy challenges brought me has been freedom. The poem “Unavailable” is a testimony to my long, hard journey back to my Self.
Note: There were many tools that Diane utilized through this process of healing which included Reiki, Spiritual Direction, Self-awareness classes (Authentic Freedom, The Artist’s Way, etc. ). What she proves is that the journey toward recovery is an integrated process that requires a variety of resources and support. Way to go Diane!
Authentic Freedom Ministries