So, what does one do on the path of Spiritual Growth when it feels like you’ve tried everything, nothing is working and impatience and frustration have taken over? What does one do when despair is knocking on the door and you are tempted to throw in the towel????? Maybe it is time for a good old fashion “take-down match” with God.
I Hit the Wall
I admit it, I am human. While I accompany others in their own journey of spiritual growth and healing, teach classes in spiritual practices that help us navigate the path of our lives and encourage others to seek, cultivate and share their spiritual gifts in the world, I am apparently not immune to my own struggles along this path. This week has proven to be a WTF week. Here’s the rundown:
- I’m on week 9 of a sometimes debilitating upper respiratory virus complete with gargantuan coughing spells, asthma symptoms, body aches, exhaustion, congestion, etc. etc. etc. I’ve been to the doctor twice and to an alternative health care practitioner and TRIED EVERYTHING. I”M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!
- The divorce that started last April has DONE NOTHING. No movement. It feels like it is hanging in mid-air, just hanging up there taunting me.
- Some things have happened in my personal life (that I will keep close to my heart) that have kicked my emotional ass.
- The flow of abundance has STOPPED. No, not just stopped, it has gone completely in reverse. I stand here helpless as I watch the financial security I need to move forward in my life dart and run, then taunt and tease me, while the seeming financial security we have enjoyed flows right down the toilet, taking all of us with it.
- As I’m trying to grow my business, writing this blog, working with marketing experts, etc. I watch it slowing and stagnating, making me question…..have I gotten this wrong all along? Am I really supposed to be doing this?
- When I attempt to explore complementary financial options, the universe closes (no, SLAMS) the door in my face.
Trying the Usual Tools
So, as this has all been unfolding, I have done what I teach others to do. I have prayed, meditated, tried journaling, engaged in movement meditation, etc. etc. etc. I have employed every spiritual tool at my disposal to be open to receiving the Divine direction, comfort, support, etc. that I know is there. And here are the answers that I am getting:
- You are on the right path
- You are doing the right thing
- Everything is in perfect Divine timing
- Be patient
- You are being taken care of
- All your needs are being met
- You do not need to get “another job”, you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing and the financial support is coming.
Ranting at the Divine
Normally, I find comfort, affirmation, peacefulness in the answers that I have been getting in my prayer. Yesterday, not so much. Not so much, in fact, that I had a panic attack on the way to a business meeting. Panic attack????? While I have a history of depression and panic attack, I have not had one in over three years. Ok, God, you want to play rough…..get ready, because I have had it!!!!! So, here is what I did. Last night, just before drifting off to sleep, I lined ’em up. I called them all in – God, Jesus, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Michael the Archangel, Joan of Arc, Hildegard of Bingen, St. Bernadette, St. Francis and Clare, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Melchezidek, Krishna, Radha, the Buddha, all my ancestors….and anyone else I could name and I gave them what-for:
“Alright, I’ve had it!!!!!! You guys show up and tell me I’m supposed to be a vessel of God’s healing love in the world. You download a curriculum of Spiritual Formation into my mind and ask me to teach it. You give me the Christouch system of natural healing and you ask me to teach that. You lead me to all these amazing teachers, tools, opportunities to learn, to grow and to heal and you ask me to in turn share these with others. You lead me to writing teachers and ask me to write…books and this blog. You tell me all my needs will be met as I freely and openly share these gifts and tools with others. I’ve done everything you have asked of me. I have followed all the trails you have set out for me. I have calmly (ok, not always) accepted all the challenges that have come with following these trails. I have tended the ground, planted and watered the seeds, obediently accepted every invitation you have offered me. Now, what have you given me in return? Sickness. Heartache. Financial struggles. Stagnation. Now, I need your help!!!!!! (I pleaded) I can’t do this alone! ( I begged) Here’s the deal…..Either you step up to the plate and start doing what Divine helpers are supposed to be doing – HELPING!!!!!…..or….step off!”
Then I clapped the dust off my hands, stomped the dirt off my feet, turned and walked away. I’ll let you know if they bother to answer!
When have you wanted to enter into a take-down match with God?
What tools do you have at your disposal for moments of overwhelm, despair, fear?
Are you ok with getting angry with God and giving God what-for?
Authentic Freedom Ministries