I humbly acknowledge less-than enlightened behavior during a time of enormous change. UGH!
Dangling in the void
I am learning that divorce has a way of making you feel as if not only the rug – but the entire universe has been pulled out from beneath you and you are left dangling in mid-void trying to find some place to put your feet. At least that is how I have felt for the past several weeks (ok, maybe months). A truly enlightened being would be able to face this dangling in the void from a place of contented observation and surrender. Throughout this experience, I have been continually reminded of how un-enlightened I truly am. So……here are my confessions of un-enlightenment!
Reaching for anything to hang on to
In this position of dangling in the void, I have found myself desperately reaching out for anything to hang on to. It was this reaching that compelled me to seek out Christmas Eve mass. As my friend Karen so lovingly reminded me, “What the hell were you thinking?” At one time in my life, I had found spiritual refuge in the mass, most specifically in the very building in which I chose to attend mass this year. In my un-enlightened state, I had approached this liturgy with the mind of an active member of this faith community rather than with the mind of the visitor that I really was. When I discerned that the spiritual path I had come to embrace could no longer be contained within the orthodoxy of the Catholic institution and decided to rescind my membership, I gave up any rights to question, challenge, condemn. Again, as Karen said, “What was I thinking?”
Unknowing and Allowing
I have also found for me that this dangling in the void puts everything into question. (See paragraph above!). What DO I believe? What about my dreams, hopes, desires – are they real or simply the workings of an over-active imagination? Am I supposed to continue in my chosen vocation as Spiritual Director, teacher, healer – or is this another one of my fantasies? Do I even have a right to claim to teach things of a spiritual nature when I am obviously so un-enlightened? What about my desire to write? Am I really any good at it? Can I actually be a single parent, write novels and support my family? What about a house? How will I provide for my family? Is it time to get “a real job?” Is there really such a thing as a soulmate/twin flame or is this just another one of those lies? Do I even want to enter into another relationship….anytime, anywhere with anyone? (I know, WAY too early to ask these last two questions).
All of these questions are hanging in the air around me like a swarm of Lakeflies (if you are from Oshkosh, you know how truly annoying this is!), buzzing in my ears and leaving their icky green slime all over me. My spiritual teachers keep telling me, “Surrender into allowing.” My unenlightened response? “Allow this MF!” I’m tired of allowing. I want some action! This is the second part of my confession: on the road to enlightenment, I am impatient, controlling and I want the map in my hands with itinerary, timeframe, answers – AND I WANT IT NOW!
Reactions and Brat-i-ness
The final part of my confession (for today anyway) – I am a big fat brat! A truly enlightened being learns to refrain from responding to the ups and downs of life and simply surrenders to the ebb and flow from a place of peaceful contentment. I have learned that most of the time, but most especially in the midst of this divorce thing…..peaceful contentment eludes me. Instead, I react. Hurt me? I bite back. Throw me a challenge? I’ll throw a temper tantrum. Ignore me? I will stomp my feet and pound my fists. Try to usurp my power? I will draw my sword. Stand in a place of non-integrity? I will call you on it. I find that at this place in my life, I cannot sit in the middle of the pond on my lotus leaf in lotus position meditating while the slings and arrows of life fly around me. Instead, I feel more like a warrior, sword drawn and shield aloft ready to do battle. So…..if you are as un-enlightened as me….watch out…..I’m just warning you! 🙂
So, as I acknowledge my un-enlightenment, I humbly return to my meditation chair, my chant, my yoga mat, my laptop and remember that the path to enlightenment is in the journey….not the destination….because obviously, I’m not there yet!
Authentic Freedom Ministries