When all the signs seem to be there for a particular outcome and the universe suddenly pulls the rug out from underneath us, what are we to do but shake our fists (or flip the bird) at God.
Today, I am mad as hell at God. I feel a little (actually A LOT) like King David when he moaned, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22).
All the signs were there (or at least I thought they were). The house of my dreams. I had given to the universe a “wish list” of what I wanted in a home for me and our children. I knew the price range that I could afford. I had minimal requirements of 3 bedrooms, a dining room, a living room and 1 – 1.5 baths. Then I added my dreams: hardwood floors throughout, an office on the main floor and hot water heat. Then as I began perusing real estate listings last spring, this house seemed to rise right out of the mist, setting itself above all the other listing. Then, when reading the details….you guessed it, my wish list: a first floor office (which I intended to make into a meditation room/chapel), hot water heat, four bedrooms (yea, an office for me!) and as I later discovered – a place to add a second bathroom very easily AND hardwood floors throughout (underneath 50-year-old carpeting). Then….all the other pieces began to fall into place:
The kids LOVE the house
It is not in the neighborhood I expected, but the kids were excited to be closer to the lake (Oshkosh is sandwiched between two large lakes and separated by a river that runs through the town)
The house needs work….and out of nowhere comes a contractor looking for a portfolio project who offers me a HIGHLY discounted labor rate to start his new business venture.
I end up qualifying for a mortgage (a miracle in and of itself)
Then here is the craziest miracle: The house of my dreams has a bathroom that is in the craziest most indescribable shade of pink – toilet, sink, bathtub and tile – all this weird pink. The sink is shot and I thought I would have to replace a sink and toilet…..when on a whim I stop in the local structural antique shop, Crescent Moon Antiques and they have THE EXACT SINK in perfect condition. WHAT ARE THE ODDS????
It sure seemed as if this was supposed to be my house….the bonus is that this house would have allowed me to move my office into my home, saving $500.00 per month in overhead costs. So, all that being said, here is why I’m ticked off at God:
God seemed to be giving me all the signs, seemed to be pointing me in the direction of this house and there seemed to be no other interested parties. The road seemed to be made clear. So, I put in an offer. Then, out of nowhere swoops in three other offers. AND……I LOST THE HOUSE. I was (still am) devastated. What the heck, God? Now what am I supposed to do? Then add insult to injury, I finally had the courage to pull up my bootstraps and start looking at other houses. WTH……The houses I looked at that are in my price range (interestingly…..houses prices in the same range as the one on which I placed and offer) SUCK!!!! They are all dilapidated, run-down, condemnable houses. YUK YUK YUK. I came home yesterday after 2 hours of house tours, bawled my eyes out and slept for 3 hours (mind you, I’m also sick with a bad cold).
So today I am darn mad at God. Did I read all the signs wrongly? Was I just making it all up? Am I nuts? Why lead me along this path God only to pull the run out from beneath my feet? Yeah, Yeah, I know…”it wasn’t meant to be….God must have something better in mind…it must not have been in my highest good…” all the things I tell myself in my head and tell clients and students when faced with life’s challenges. But you know what….I’m still dang mad!
I want that house and I want it now! (This is me doing my Veruca Salt dance!)
So, today I’m just going to be mad at God. The good news is that God can take it. Maybe in allowing myself to feel the disappointment and anger a place will be made where I can be open to whatever God has in store for me in this process. In the meantime…I’m just mad and it might be a really good day to put on and jam out to “Ten Thousand Fists in the Air” by Disturbed!
What disappointments have you experienced in your own life that have made you feel angry with God/the universe?
Have you allowed yourself space to feel that anger?
What healing did you experience as a result of allowing space for anger?
Authentic Freedom Ministries/YourSpiritualTruth