I owe a debt of thanks to my blog readers for calling me out on my vagueness in Monday’s blog. To set the record straight and eliminate any temptation to be vague – my husband and I are divorcing….hence the house search. “Professional boundaries” tell me I should not share personal things on my blog…..but when I find myself confronted with the very fears that I have been called to help others heal, I sense that transparency, rather than “professional boundaries” may be what is called for. I must also admit my own resistence to waving the flag of my own vulnerabilities for all the world to see. So……here goes.
As we are moving through this process of redefining a nearly 20 year relationship, which in this case is calling for divorce, I find myself confronted daily with the very fears I am called to help others heal. These are the spiritual fears that I outline in my Authentic Freedom classes, help clients name in private sessions and will be revealed in my book, Authentic Freedom – Claiming a life of contentment and joy. So….here are the fears I’m being forced to face, confront and be open to having healed:
There is not enough – Ok, this is a biggie. Is there enough money? How will our needs for food, clothing, shelter, safety, healthcare, insurance, etc. etc. etc. be met on my current salary? Will the resources be present to increase that income to meet the needs listed above? Will we find and be able to afford the house that we need to meet our needs? The list goes on and on and on…
I will not be able to bring forth life that will persist: How will I be able to continue to use my gifts in a way that will not only support the life of others, but will also support the needs of my family? Are my gifts of value? Are they worthy of compensation? Will the life I dream of actually come to fruition? How will I maintain a healthy balance of work, play, creative endeavors, etc.
I can’t Can I actually do this? Will I have the courage to stay the course and continue on this path when I know it is the right thing? Can I continue to share my ministry in the world?
I am not loved or am unworthy of love – HHHMMMMM I might save reflection on this one for later…..
I am not free to express my truth – Choosing to divorce has been very much a part of standing in truth…..and there is that lingering fear of the potential backlash of standing in our truth. How will others receive this decision? What “friendships” will decide to leave? How do I respond to people’s reactions to the divorce? How do I remain transparent without giving away those things I need to carry close to my heart (like the whys and reasons for the divorce). What about the kids?
I do not know (my truth, my path) – I think I moved through this fear in FINALLY coming to the place of acknowledging that divorce was the right thing and would in the end be the most life-giving decision for all. However, there is still that lingering doubt, “what if this is all one big mistake? What if I didn’t try hard enough? What if I discerned incorrectly?” I know this is simply temptation, but that lingering thoughts are there nonetheless.
I am alone. Divorce has the potential for being a VERY lonely process. It is easy to get sucked into victimhood and martyrdom. It is also easy to slip into the place of helpless despair when looking at all the other fears above. This is where I have to remember that there is a Divine Source (God) who is assisting me through this process and that I am in the company of all the other men and women who have blazed this trail before me.
So, there you have it! These are my fears….and these are the universal spiritual fears that we all face at some time in our journey. In the work that I do, I have been called to help others to name and acknowledge these fears as active in their lives and I offer the tools that help them to be healed of, or at least transcend these fears so that they can live a life of greater contentment and joy. Now, here is the irony…..I am being forced, in a very real sense, to face these fears myself and put into practice the very tools I promise to be effective. Ha….God is very funny and has a sick sense of humor. The good news is that it is only because of the spiritual tools and practices I teach that I am able to move through this process at all and in doing so, realizing the fruits of this practice through all the miracles, gifts and blessings that have come by entering fully into this process and embracing the spiritual lessons that I now have the opportunity to learn. So while I am forced to confront these fears, I am blessed by the healing and tranformation that are coming through this process. It is for this that I am now grateful.
Authentic Freedom Ministries