Ok, I’m going to say this right off the bat……today I will be testing the limits of the BLOG recommendations for honesty….and I recognize that some of what I share today will definitely be coming out of my ego and out of my own unhealed wounds. So……here goes……
Yesterday I received an invitation from someone with whom I had a short-lived professional association. As I came to understand more fully the agenda of the other individual, I chose to terminate the relationship. In all honesty, the termination was not without bad feelings. I felt I had been quite clear about my hopes and desires in this association and while the other party agreed on the surface, their true agenda eventually revealed itself. I knew there was no room for the truth I had come to know about myself and my own call within this agenda, so I chose to leave. If I am totally honest, I felt betrayed and manipulated. Moreover, I felt as if the resources I brought to the table were taken advantage of by the other party to further their hidden agenda. (for the record, I’m quite sure the other party has their own version of this story and how it played out)
My egoic self is tempted to ask the question, “Is this person so much in denial that they cannot see that over my dead frickin body would I accept their recent invitation?” I am tempted to sit in anger and rage of the “betrayal, manipulation, deceit, etc.” And I want to judge the denial of this person that they could not see their own hidden agenda and the way in which they tried to manipulate the situation to get what they wanted and the way in which they used guilt, knowledge of my own wounds and martyrdom to further their own agenda. Then there’s the vengeful part of me that says, “Ha….wait til the rest of the world finds them out and their empire comes crashing down!”
But then as I indulge my ego, the Spirit within holds up a mirror and makes me look. Who am I to judge, condemn, label, etc. etc. etc. And, is this not simply a reflection of my own unhealed wounds? OUCH. I hate when this happens!
So, when I look in the mirror, this is what I see. I have to own the fact that it was my own denial that allowed me to enter into this association in the first place because of my attachment at the time to a particular outcome. When I am perfectly honest, the red flags were there all along that indicated this would not be a healthy association. I also have to own that from the very beginning, I had doubts about whether this association fit my own call. I did not yet have the resources to stand fully in my own call, so perhaps I was willing to compromise in the hopes of at least partially fulfilling my call. Standing in that place of denial prevented me from listening to the voice of truth and honoring it freely. I also have to wonder, was the other person’s agenda being communicated the whole time and I just chose to ignore it? Was I so attached to my own hopes that I could not really hear theirs? So as I sit in judgment of the other person for their denial I guess it is my own relationship with denial that is being revealed. So, I now stand humbly reminded of my own relationship with denial, deceit and my own unhealed wounds.
The good news is that even though the association ended badly, there are many things I learned as a result of this encounter.
1) I learned that my truth barometer is nearly 100% accurate. In my first meeting with this individual, my warning flags were waving wildly, and in my own attachment to my hoped outcome of this relationship, I chose to ignore them. “Quit being judgmental….give them the benefit of the doubt,” is what that voice in my head said. I will now NEVER listen to that voice, but honor the truth within me that was really saying, “Too close, too fast, too charming, don’t be so sure, run away!”
2) Through the end of this association, I was able to release many attachments to which I had been tightly bound. Releasing these attachments has been incredibly freeing, liberating and healing and has cleared the path for me to stand more fully in my own truth and my own call.
3) Honor my truth. If it had not been for this encounter, I would not be where I am today, recognizing my inner call to be contemplative and to find ways to live that out freely.
So, I am grateful for the new life that surfaced as a result of this end, and I’m grateful for another opportunity to look in the mirror of my own egoic temptations and invite healing of any residual unhealed wounds that have been triggered by this reminder. I can tell you however, I will NOT be accepting any invitations from this particular party today or in the near or distant future. So in this, I guess I’m still human!