Today, I’m feeling a little bit like Julie Powell (of Julie and Julia fame). Why am I bothering to write this blog? Does anyone care? Why am I writing this…..is this me looking for attention, validation, fame? These are the questions that chase after me in the early morning hours.
I liken the undertaking of the blog to a blind leap off a high cliff. Maybe nobody will ever read this blog, and…there is something inside of me that simply says, “WRITE”. I’m not sure why I’m writing or for whom, but it feels like the right thing to do…..so I continue.
Reflecting on this vision of Contemplative Community, urges me to reflect on my own spiritual journey and the pieces that have brought me to this place. What surfaces as I write this is a memory from about 17 years ago of a tarot card reading some girlfriends and I enjoyed after a full day of reveling at the Shakopee, MN Renaissance Faire. We were using the Inner Child cards and the card I pulled was of a group of gnomes building a treehouse, the center point of which was a magnificent stained glass rose window. My friends’ unanimous interpretation of the card was that someday I would be building my own church. An overwhelming thought for a mere lass of 28 moons, to be sure!
I now chuckle at the many ways I have previously thought this card to be calling me. While working at the Newman Center (Catholic Campus Ministry), I believed this card to be calling me to introduce and share the contemplative practices I had embraced with our community. For awhile, this met with great success. After the revelations of the priest abuse scandal, however, the climate of the Catholic church (at least as I was experiencing it) began to change. As polarization took over, I believed the card to be calling to be work toward reform within the Catholic Church to restore the compassionate church that I had come to know. Those efforts led me only to a dead end which then led me too believe I was being led to create reform alongside the Church. Another dead end. Then came the opportunity to be part of a “reform” Catholic Church – one disassociated with Rome. Alas, another dead end. Beat up. Exhausted. Frustrated. I took several months off to simply be with my existing business and existing clientele. “I want nothing more to do with any sort of structure, creation, etc.” became my mantra.
Now, here I am…..a year later…..healed and refreshed and once again the tree house comes a callin’ . What is this all about????? It does not seem to go away. It hounds me. It haunts me. It provokes me. This time, however, it feels remarkably different. No longer is it about reforming or changing something else. No longer is it about being “better than” or “more enlightened than”. Instead, it feels as if it is simply about resonance. How am I called to live out my relationship with God and how am I being called to hold space for those who feel similarly called? In this, I am reminded of the words of my writing teacher, Julie Tallard Johnson. “You each have your own unique medicine and there are people out there who need that medicine and are looking for it. You simply have to put it out there.”
So, these are the words I cling to as I move forward with this vision. I have my own medicine and there are people out there looking to receive this medicine. The question remains, what is this medicine and how am I called to share it? A question not yet fully answered, though I suspect through this process, clarity shall be revealed. In the meantime, I leap, I write, I question, I explore, I ponder, I share. I’m not sure where all this is leading, and, as Julie’s words remind, in this I am not alone. So to those out there who are listening, Happy New Year and may 2010 prove to be a year of remarkable blessings, health and vision.