It is to be expected that when we open the door toward our deepest truth, the ego(false self/inner obstacle) quickly steps in to dissuade us from our course. Alas, it seems I am not immune to this only natural process. Starting this Blog and going public with my desire to hold space in which Contemplative Community may emerge was certainly a step closer to my truth (at least I think it was). Of course, immediately after hitting “publish” and going public with this experiment, the demons of doubt quickly strode in. Damn them!
What I really hate about those doubt demons (know I mean this only metaphorically!!!!!) is their ability to use the people we love as a vehicle through which our greatest fears are reflected back to us. After spending the last couple years redefining and recreating our marriage into something more healthy and mutually supportive, I thought Scot and I were immune to the workings of the doubt demons. Ha! In a moment of mutual weakness and miscommunication, Scot and I found ourselves in a moment of martyrdom where neither of us felt affirmed, respected or honored. The doubt demons in my head quickly sprang into action, “See, Scot doesn’t really give a damn about your projects. Your needs don’t really matter. If Scot doesn’t get your work, no one else will either. This is really just another of your crazy dreams. Your book is crap and no one will buy it. You are fat and ugly. No body likes you, everybody hates you, you’d better eat some worms.” AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, Scot and I went about the work of reconciling this little miscommunication. While healthy communication and mutual naming and claiming of needs was completed, I still felt emotionally beat up – victimy (is that a word?) I was still feeling sorry for myself and wondering if anything I do really matters at all. That’s when it struck me……of course, the “spat” with Scot was the work of the doubt demons! Damn them again! Those parts of myself that are afraid, that feel insecure, that perceives past experiences as failure rose up to illuminate the unhealed wounds within me and Scot got to be the unwitting mirror to reflect these back to me.
One of the things I have come to understand is that as we move more and more fully toward embracing our most authentic selves, those unhealed parts within us rise up and present themselves for another layer of healing. Doubt demons are one of the ways in which opportunities for healing present themselves. As these doubts arise, I am reminded of my humanness and of my need for healing. These doubts present the perfect opportunity to turn once again to God for healing and support. Of course, I cannot hold space for Contemplative Community on my own. And, I am NOT doing it on my own. If this is to be, it is bigger than I and out of my hands and out of my control. So, the invitation in the face of these “demons” is to return again to meditation and contemplation, the tools through which I am able to remember the Divine Source that is the source of my desire and the agent of my transformation and the very Source of my life.
So, in holding space today, I named the doubt demons for what they were and invited healing for my as yet unhealed wounds. I then returned to the intention of simply holding space for whatever it is that the Divine is creating. As I sat with this intention, I returned to that place of openness and peaceful contentment, trusting that all would unfold in its own way in its own time in the highest good for all who are being called.
And to those “demons” in my head and otherwise I say, “Get behind me!”